Well, speech therapy has begun. And...it is OK. I thought it would be different. A nice lady, well girl actually, came over and just played with Z. It didn't seem like anything I couldn't do, but I am stepping back to learn also. It seemed like she really just announced each action she was doing. "We're putting the pegs inside the bag." Annunciation on inside. I see where we differ here. I would say "Come on Zach, put em in the bag." OK, so maybe I am verbally inept also. Who Knows.
I've had a pretty rough couple of days here. Some days feel as if I am losing it. Wednesday started at the Community Thrift Store, bad idea at nap time. Didn't find what I needed, but found what I didn't need. A brand new pair of pink Pumas for twenty bucks. Cute polo for Z. Bathroom rug, etc. Whatever. Of course Z fell asleep on the somewhat long ride home. Just enough to recharge his batteries. I lay him down in his bed, and like a jack in the box; pop goes the weasel. He's up. I didn't realize how much i rely on his nap time. But I do, a lot. Anyway. I attempted to lay down with him, out of desperation for any type of nap. He does not do well with no nap. I'm still not sure if he ever fell asleep, all I know is that I did. I put toons on, so that kept him occupied at least. We (I?) woke up around 5, was supposed to go to 3 parties. Got dressed. Zach was playing with my keys, I didn't care if he was playing with a kitchen knife ( OK, dramatic but you get it) we just had to get out of there. I heard him put my keys out the mail slot so I knew they were safe from being hidden. Got Zach dressed, we were finally out of there! Or so I thought. Zach didn't put my keys out the mail slot. I didn't know where he put them. I looked. And looked. I asked Zach (as if awaiting an answer) "Where did you put Mommy's keys?" "Zach, where are Mommy's keys?" "ZACH, WHERE ARE MOMMY'S KEYS?" Why did I get so mad? It wasn't his fault. I should have put them on the key rack, just like Bill had said earlier. In the moment you want them to be an adult, just answer the question please, and lets go. I got so mad. I will skip the rest, you can imagine the frustration. Needless to say, and hour and a half later Zach found my keys. Under a pile of clothes I looked under 3 times, I swear. Needless to day, we didn't make it to any party.
It's just been days like this where I feel I am losing my mind. Literally. Zach has been exceptionally fussy lately, and constantly throwing tantrums. I think all together he screamed for 2 hours yesterday. He cried for a cookie for 20 minutes. I tried time out. Still nothing. I finally just gave in and, not gave him the cookie, but held him for a while. I t helped for a minute, but soon we were back to the cookie.
Later that night I attempted to give him a haircut, which resulted in bribing with 2 bags of fruit snacks, and eventually crawling into the tub with him. After the 30 minute haircut, we were done. Needless to say it was a v-e-r-y long day.
I wonder if my husband realizes the hurtles in my day. I try to explain, but I'm not quite sure that he "gets". I shouldn't be complaining because I wouldn't trade it for anything (well, maybe the real- job part, I could do without that;however not financially) I love being home with him, being the one to raise him. But...some days I want to run far, far away.
I am really starting to wonder if after watching every marriage that I knew of fail, If I am next. Maybe it's not in my blood to be different. I wonder if my mind is so set to believe that every marriage fails, if I will cause mine to. Sometimes it seems easier to fight, and not speak to each other. That way we never get any closer, making the fall easier. Things seem so be moving in the right direction, and Boom! We are so consistent in one thing. And it seems one thing only. I wonder if because Zach came so soon into the relationship, that we never built a strong enough foundation for the two of us. I just don't know anymore. Some days I just want out. No I don't. I don't. But I want this to end. I wish I could re-write my past, and not grow up with divorced parents, and almost, every other week divorced-again-parents.
I hope things get better. I do love this man with every piece of me.
Maybe the weekend will bring some peace.
I hope so, because I can not go on like this.
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3 comments:
Jenn~You have to keep in mind the big picture, in a couple of days this will pass and you'll hardly remember your current feelings. Take a step back, let unimportant things go and spend time with Zach or Bill. Don't try to do too much or fix everything right now, let it go. Don't sweat the small stuff either, it's not worth it. I know it's easier said than done, but try, try, try. Your life will be better for it.
Know you worth too, don't doubt yourself. You are a great wife and mother, have joy in that.
Love, Laura
rrt, my firend. there are just those times...when it all seems really really hard.but laura is right, they pass and you somehow get a bit stronger than you were. on the marriage thing, choose love. all the time. it is so hard sometimes, but i believe it is the only way. i love you, sweetie.. sending good thoughts your way.
ack, terrible spelling errors. so sorry, and we missed you so much wednesday, we talked about you all night, like you were there in spirit. nex time, okay?
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