Long may you run...

Well, I am in. And after a short trip to Hell; it still is hard to believe. I am almost all unpacked, hanging pictures as I go; somehow hoping to make this feel like home. It's funny really, everday I wanted out of my old house. I grew to hate the filth that 30 years of unkept appliances, carpet, linoleum, etc, will bring. Now that I am in an immaculate, open, somewhat "freeing" house, it still does not feel quite right.





I found a place that I know will eventually house a happy mama and her baby. It is in La Verne, which at this point was all that mattered. I am in walking distance to my mom which gives me a feeling of home. I grew up in this town and I just love that my son will.



As every thing is slowly getting unpacked, it sets in. It seems final. Even with the distance, the blaming does not stop. Maybe blaming is not the right word, but lack of responsibility for parts that are the other half's. I don't know. I guess I expected more of an eye opener than what I am getting. Have I always filled in the blanks for the parts that were lacking? This sure has opened my eyes to a lot of things. One thing being the fact that I can do anything. I really do believe that now. I should have after I became a mama, but I didn't . Maybe due to the fact that my other did not believe, or had a hard time conveying to me that he thought I could. Whatever. I know now that I can. There were some days that I did not know how I was going to be a mama. I didn't know how I could possibly pull myself out of the hole that I felt I was in. But I did. I kept plugging along, all the while with a convincing smile on my face. It's amazing what a child can do to pull you through a tough time. You know that this one person, this most important being did NOT ask for this; therefore it is your responsibility to give them the smoothest ride possible. Looking back, I feel like I am tricking myself about it being so difficult. It doesn't feel like it was. One thing I always hated about my Mom while I was growing up was that she never let us be sad for too long. When I wanted to just cry about something; she would always say "Well, it is what it is, now move on." I really hated that, it made me feel like she had no feelings, or didn't know how to deal with us having feelings. I see now that is not true; and I am greatful for that part of her now. It has helped me get through many tough times. When you have taken care of business, then you can be sad. The world will not stop for your tears. But, after all is said and done, cry, cry, cry. It will help. You have to go through all of the motions in order to heal. I really believe that.



I wish I would have blogged daily, just to remember what I went through daily. And to see where I am at today, after all was said and done. I don't know what our future holds, but I do know that it will be bright. I have my baby, and I have a roof over my head. Family that would give me the shirt off their back, or the last dollar in their pocket. Friends that were so closely lost, and in the last minute came in and made this whole thing bearable. Most importantly, I have my baby. The light at the end of every tunnel.

Zach, I love you very much. You are my baby and I am your mama. To my friends, I would die without you. You really are just as important as family.