I read in a friends blog that she writes down the things she is grateful for when life seems difficult...I think I will give it a try.



1.My monka

2.My job

3. La Verne, and La Verne feeling like home even though my 'house' does not

4. My Mom, for more things that the web has space to contain

5. Park Days

6. My family

7. My great, great friends

8. Books

9. Funny children's books than make you wonder where on earth the writer comes up with this stuff

10. old music that brings me back to high school days

11. My grandma, she is the one person right now that makes everything seem o.k.

12. Fridays, and Saturdays, and Sundays

13. Old Door's albums

14. Pictures

15. Memories of growing up, and knowing that these people will be in my life forever

16. Understanding that life changes

17. Time spent playing with Zach, not thinking of anything else in the world

18. Blue jean baaaby, L.A. Lady, she was a seamstress for the band....This song

19. Music, Music, Music





Whenever I think I am moving on from this sticky mess, something pulls me back in. Maybe it's that I really don't want to move on. Moving on would mean my feelings would change. My feelings changing would mean that this would all be over. This being over would mean that I no longer have a husband. WHY is this so hard? Why is it getting hard all over again? Why can't I just wake up and be OK? I've been angry, sad, forgiving...aren't those the three steps? Am I missing one? I don't want to sound like Debby downer, but the whole point of this blog, for me, is to document my life. I want to be able to look back and remember my feelings during different points in my life. And, I am sure that someday my posts will be happier. But for now, bear with me.

I walk around each day in a haze. Last week I felt more like myself than I ever had, now I feel the complete opposite. I hate this up and down. Is this why people start taking medication? If so, I now understand. That was something I swore I would never do, unless I absolutely had to. Not that I am there now, but I have a clearer understanding of them. I try each day to just look at the positive, reassure myself that everything will work out, either way. Rent will get payed, Zach will eat, and my car payment will be sent in. It all will work out.



I go back and forth between my feelings for Bill. Is he ok? He's an a%@ Hole. I miss him. He's a jerk. God, is he ok? Screw him. It's really a strange feeling. Right now I have such strong feelings of hate, as well as love. It wasn't all bad, was it? A lot was my fault too,right? I wish someone had the answers. I wish I knew the outcome so that I would just be able to move in that direction. But, I guess I won't know until I am there. When I am though, I will be stronger, wiser, and a better person for all of it. I want to write here, in case there comes a time when I forget, or if Zach ever wonders if his Dad and i really loved each other; how much I do. How much I want things to work out. That you, Zach, were always our number one priority. The odds were against is from day one, and we wanted to give you a family. Somewhere along the line we fell in love, and we fell hard. If things don't end up coming together it was not your fault. We both love you more than we know how to love anyone else. We loved each other more than we knew how to. We tried, and tried and tried. Love was the one thing we were not lacking. I do believe that Bill was my soul mate. Maybe this is true. This is an excerpt from the book "Eat, Pray, Love" It's a man talking to the writer about what he thinks a soul mate is...

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over, Groceries. David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job and he did great but now it’s over…”

Either way, Zach, we love you. Bill, I love you. This will get easier for all of us. In time. In this time I am making this vow to myself. To never use the angry words that cut like a knife, or to intentionally hurt you.