Recovery:

re·cov·er·y
(r-kv-r)
n. pl. re·cov·er·ies
1. The act, process, duration, or an instance of recovering.
2. A return to a normal condition.
3. Something gained or restored in recovering.
4. The act of obtaining usable substances from unusable sources.

I went to Church this Sunday; after far, far too long. I've been kind of the (not literally) anti Christ lately. With all of this talk around my parts; my sister has been on this kick for a while lately. That's beside the point though. I have never felt so far from God lately; something rare for me. I know that i want Zach brought up knowing God, Church, etc; so I took him to Sunday school. He loved it. I easily let him into the care of someone else; something I had not planned on. Sitting in Church the Pastor said that the "word" of 2009 is Recovery. They had my attention. God thinks he's so funny. I think they were talking more along the lines of recovering your faith; but maybe that's my first step. It is hard to have faith when you feel like you have no walls left to knock down, like every desirable road had been washed away; but I do still have that "light at the end of the tunnel" i.e., Zach. What do I need to recover? Well for a start: My finances, my heart, my perception, my anger,my idea that there IS such thing as a successful marriage, and once again, my finances. Not my strength; I've built that. Not my endurance; well maybe my endurance. No, no. Not that.
Well, there are many things in my life that need recovery . One step at a time I am finding works best. Some days feel like I am running a race each day (maybe that's where endurance comes from) just trying to get to the end of the day. Good days and bad days, each night ends with a big hug and kiss from my babe. Those fifteen minutes I lay in bed with him reading and saying prayers act as a chalk board eraser; erasing all of the bad that may have incurred that day. That's when I know I'm OK. Bruised, but OK.
Who knows what 2009 will bring, some times I wish I knew, other times not. Looking back on the past years I know two things: There were many good times that will never, ever leave my memory. 2: The bad times are quickly fading from my memory; leaving me with an almost clear canvas. I will always love Bill, regardless of what happens. He gave me what I love most. He was good to me most of the time, he gave me the option to be home with my babe in those crucial moments. I know that once there was true love, not "mature" true love. But definitely true love. But like they say "Just cause you love 'em, it don't mean ya can live with 'em."

Anyway, I wish everyone a truly happy 2009. If recovery is in your agenda, I wish you the strength. If not for you, maybe pass it on to someone else that does need it.
To my light: You are my baby, and I am your mama. I love you more than you know. And that's a lot, very very much. As Bill and I would say: One million!