I read in a friends blog that she writes down the things she is grateful for when life seems difficult...I think I will give it a try.



1.My monka

2.My job

3. La Verne, and La Verne feeling like home even though my 'house' does not

4. My Mom, for more things that the web has space to contain

5. Park Days

6. My family

7. My great, great friends

8. Books

9. Funny children's books than make you wonder where on earth the writer comes up with this stuff

10. old music that brings me back to high school days

11. My grandma, she is the one person right now that makes everything seem o.k.

12. Fridays, and Saturdays, and Sundays

13. Old Door's albums

14. Pictures

15. Memories of growing up, and knowing that these people will be in my life forever

16. Understanding that life changes

17. Time spent playing with Zach, not thinking of anything else in the world

18. Blue jean baaaby, L.A. Lady, she was a seamstress for the band....This song

19. Music, Music, Music





Whenever I think I am moving on from this sticky mess, something pulls me back in. Maybe it's that I really don't want to move on. Moving on would mean my feelings would change. My feelings changing would mean that this would all be over. This being over would mean that I no longer have a husband. WHY is this so hard? Why is it getting hard all over again? Why can't I just wake up and be OK? I've been angry, sad, forgiving...aren't those the three steps? Am I missing one? I don't want to sound like Debby downer, but the whole point of this blog, for me, is to document my life. I want to be able to look back and remember my feelings during different points in my life. And, I am sure that someday my posts will be happier. But for now, bear with me.

I walk around each day in a haze. Last week I felt more like myself than I ever had, now I feel the complete opposite. I hate this up and down. Is this why people start taking medication? If so, I now understand. That was something I swore I would never do, unless I absolutely had to. Not that I am there now, but I have a clearer understanding of them. I try each day to just look at the positive, reassure myself that everything will work out, either way. Rent will get payed, Zach will eat, and my car payment will be sent in. It all will work out.



I go back and forth between my feelings for Bill. Is he ok? He's an a%@ Hole. I miss him. He's a jerk. God, is he ok? Screw him. It's really a strange feeling. Right now I have such strong feelings of hate, as well as love. It wasn't all bad, was it? A lot was my fault too,right? I wish someone had the answers. I wish I knew the outcome so that I would just be able to move in that direction. But, I guess I won't know until I am there. When I am though, I will be stronger, wiser, and a better person for all of it. I want to write here, in case there comes a time when I forget, or if Zach ever wonders if his Dad and i really loved each other; how much I do. How much I want things to work out. That you, Zach, were always our number one priority. The odds were against is from day one, and we wanted to give you a family. Somewhere along the line we fell in love, and we fell hard. If things don't end up coming together it was not your fault. We both love you more than we know how to love anyone else. We loved each other more than we knew how to. We tried, and tried and tried. Love was the one thing we were not lacking. I do believe that Bill was my soul mate. Maybe this is true. This is an excerpt from the book "Eat, Pray, Love" It's a man talking to the writer about what he thinks a soul mate is...

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over, Groceries. David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job and he did great but now it’s over…”

Either way, Zach, we love you. Bill, I love you. This will get easier for all of us. In time. In this time I am making this vow to myself. To never use the angry words that cut like a knife, or to intentionally hurt you.

And it moved me to my soul...

I sat and watched, mostly in tears, the Inauguration of Barack Obama. If I was so moved by this just while sitting in my living room I can only imagine what those 2 million people were feeling yesterday. Yesterday we made history. Everyone. We did it together. We pulled together and erased what has been written for years past. Why did it take this long? Many reasons I guess; but that doesn't matter anymore. Here we are at the brink of a new beginning. Our children will grow up in a world different that we, a more positive and promising world. You know the song :" I believe the children are our future; teach them well and let them lead the way." I always loved that song, but sometimes it seemed so far off. We as parents can teach our children what we feel is right: honesty, equality, morality, liberality, etc. But how far can that go when they are locked down by the complete opposite of that? (Pres. Bush comes to mind, or ex I should say)
I know things are not going to change over night, but I am truly convinced that this world WILL be different for them in the years to come.
I had such a feeling of pride yesterday watching this moment in history, watching the face of a man that does breathe hope through the lungs of our country. That feeling of pride came from knowing that history does not always have to repeat itself. There is the ability for this great country to be what we all know that it can and should be.
If I have to hear one more ignorant remark about this, I have to say that I would like to pack them up and ship them right over to the war that they are supporting. And leave them. Forever.

A picture is worth a thousand words...

New friends, life long family.....

Mama and Baby...

My cowboy....

Oh, this is a good one....

Summer days....

I don't remember Zach EVER looking like this...

This was my absolute favorite for a while....

This was about a month after he was born...notice how tired my eyes are

and again, whoops

just hours after....

look at his little mouth....

He still makes that face...

Oh, pre-baby days...

This was the day my stomach just all of a sudden popped out...






These are all completely out of order, but a few of my favorites. I never have the time, or computer to upload photos. So, here are a few.

Recovery:

re·cov·er·y
(r-kv-r)
n. pl. re·cov·er·ies
1. The act, process, duration, or an instance of recovering.
2. A return to a normal condition.
3. Something gained or restored in recovering.
4. The act of obtaining usable substances from unusable sources.

I went to Church this Sunday; after far, far too long. I've been kind of the (not literally) anti Christ lately. With all of this talk around my parts; my sister has been on this kick for a while lately. That's beside the point though. I have never felt so far from God lately; something rare for me. I know that i want Zach brought up knowing God, Church, etc; so I took him to Sunday school. He loved it. I easily let him into the care of someone else; something I had not planned on. Sitting in Church the Pastor said that the "word" of 2009 is Recovery. They had my attention. God thinks he's so funny. I think they were talking more along the lines of recovering your faith; but maybe that's my first step. It is hard to have faith when you feel like you have no walls left to knock down, like every desirable road had been washed away; but I do still have that "light at the end of the tunnel" i.e., Zach. What do I need to recover? Well for a start: My finances, my heart, my perception, my anger,my idea that there IS such thing as a successful marriage, and once again, my finances. Not my strength; I've built that. Not my endurance; well maybe my endurance. No, no. Not that.
Well, there are many things in my life that need recovery . One step at a time I am finding works best. Some days feel like I am running a race each day (maybe that's where endurance comes from) just trying to get to the end of the day. Good days and bad days, each night ends with a big hug and kiss from my babe. Those fifteen minutes I lay in bed with him reading and saying prayers act as a chalk board eraser; erasing all of the bad that may have incurred that day. That's when I know I'm OK. Bruised, but OK.
Who knows what 2009 will bring, some times I wish I knew, other times not. Looking back on the past years I know two things: There were many good times that will never, ever leave my memory. 2: The bad times are quickly fading from my memory; leaving me with an almost clear canvas. I will always love Bill, regardless of what happens. He gave me what I love most. He was good to me most of the time, he gave me the option to be home with my babe in those crucial moments. I know that once there was true love, not "mature" true love. But definitely true love. But like they say "Just cause you love 'em, it don't mean ya can live with 'em."

Anyway, I wish everyone a truly happy 2009. If recovery is in your agenda, I wish you the strength. If not for you, maybe pass it on to someone else that does need it.
To my light: You are my baby, and I am your mama. I love you more than you know. And that's a lot, very very much. As Bill and I would say: One million!