Now that Zach and I have settled in; it was time to pull out the decorations and start feeling "Christmas-y." We went out and got a pretty good bargain on a tree; he had fun hiding in the rows and rows of the make-shift forest. It took me a few days to get the X-mas boxes back out, but I did and we(I) had fun decorating the tree. ( I say we, but he had the most fun taking the ornaments OFF the tree, and throwing my glass 'balls'-or bulbs.) Now the lights are on, and new and old decorations. I actually found one from when I was in Ballet as a kid. I love making new memories with Zach, and starting new traditions that will be forever. This Christmas is seeming to be financially difficult on everyone this year, so we will be writing what everyone else is thankful for. Maybe we will read them after dinner, or maybe not. Maybe we will just read them to ourselves. I am excited to do this. Throughout the year I don't think we take enough time to tell our family what they really mean to us.
We get so wrapped up (pun intended) in gifts, shopping, gift cards, etc; I think we forget what it really is about. Hopefully this year will remind us.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Long may you run...
Well, I am in. And after a short trip to Hell; it still is hard to believe. I am almost all unpacked, hanging pictures as I go; somehow hoping to make this feel like home. It's funny really, everday I wanted out of my old house. I grew to hate the filth that 30 years of unkept appliances, carpet, linoleum, etc, will bring. Now that I am in an immaculate, open, somewhat "freeing" house, it still does not feel quite right.
I found a place that I know will eventually house a happy mama and her baby. It is in La Verne, which at this point was all that mattered. I am in walking distance to my mom which gives me a feeling of home. I grew up in this town and I just love that my son will.
As every thing is slowly getting unpacked, it sets in. It seems final. Even with the distance, the blaming does not stop. Maybe blaming is not the right word, but lack of responsibility for parts that are the other half's. I don't know. I guess I expected more of an eye opener than what I am getting. Have I always filled in the blanks for the parts that were lacking? This sure has opened my eyes to a lot of things. One thing being the fact that I can do anything. I really do believe that now. I should have after I became a mama, but I didn't . Maybe due to the fact that my other did not believe, or had a hard time conveying to me that he thought I could. Whatever. I know now that I can. There were some days that I did not know how I was going to be a mama. I didn't know how I could possibly pull myself out of the hole that I felt I was in. But I did. I kept plugging along, all the while with a convincing smile on my face. It's amazing what a child can do to pull you through a tough time. You know that this one person, this most important being did NOT ask for this; therefore it is your responsibility to give them the smoothest ride possible. Looking back, I feel like I am tricking myself about it being so difficult. It doesn't feel like it was. One thing I always hated about my Mom while I was growing up was that she never let us be sad for too long. When I wanted to just cry about something; she would always say "Well, it is what it is, now move on." I really hated that, it made me feel like she had no feelings, or didn't know how to deal with us having feelings. I see now that is not true; and I am greatful for that part of her now. It has helped me get through many tough times. When you have taken care of business, then you can be sad. The world will not stop for your tears. But, after all is said and done, cry, cry, cry. It will help. You have to go through all of the motions in order to heal. I really believe that.
I wish I would have blogged daily, just to remember what I went through daily. And to see where I am at today, after all was said and done. I don't know what our future holds, but I do know that it will be bright. I have my baby, and I have a roof over my head. Family that would give me the shirt off their back, or the last dollar in their pocket. Friends that were so closely lost, and in the last minute came in and made this whole thing bearable. Most importantly, I have my baby. The light at the end of every tunnel.
Zach, I love you very much. You are my baby and I am your mama. To my friends, I would die without you. You really are just as important as family.
I found a place that I know will eventually house a happy mama and her baby. It is in La Verne, which at this point was all that mattered. I am in walking distance to my mom which gives me a feeling of home. I grew up in this town and I just love that my son will.
As every thing is slowly getting unpacked, it sets in. It seems final. Even with the distance, the blaming does not stop. Maybe blaming is not the right word, but lack of responsibility for parts that are the other half's. I don't know. I guess I expected more of an eye opener than what I am getting. Have I always filled in the blanks for the parts that were lacking? This sure has opened my eyes to a lot of things. One thing being the fact that I can do anything. I really do believe that now. I should have after I became a mama, but I didn't . Maybe due to the fact that my other did not believe, or had a hard time conveying to me that he thought I could. Whatever. I know now that I can. There were some days that I did not know how I was going to be a mama. I didn't know how I could possibly pull myself out of the hole that I felt I was in. But I did. I kept plugging along, all the while with a convincing smile on my face. It's amazing what a child can do to pull you through a tough time. You know that this one person, this most important being did NOT ask for this; therefore it is your responsibility to give them the smoothest ride possible. Looking back, I feel like I am tricking myself about it being so difficult. It doesn't feel like it was. One thing I always hated about my Mom while I was growing up was that she never let us be sad for too long. When I wanted to just cry about something; she would always say "Well, it is what it is, now move on." I really hated that, it made me feel like she had no feelings, or didn't know how to deal with us having feelings. I see now that is not true; and I am greatful for that part of her now. It has helped me get through many tough times. When you have taken care of business, then you can be sad. The world will not stop for your tears. But, after all is said and done, cry, cry, cry. It will help. You have to go through all of the motions in order to heal. I really believe that.
I wish I would have blogged daily, just to remember what I went through daily. And to see where I am at today, after all was said and done. I don't know what our future holds, but I do know that it will be bright. I have my baby, and I have a roof over my head. Family that would give me the shirt off their back, or the last dollar in their pocket. Friends that were so closely lost, and in the last minute came in and made this whole thing bearable. Most importantly, I have my baby. The light at the end of every tunnel.
Zach, I love you very much. You are my baby and I am your mama. To my friends, I would die without you. You really are just as important as family.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
They say what doesn't kill will only make you stronger...
But day after day that seems harder and harder to believe. Each day seems like I can't face what letdowns tomorrow will bring. I think for the most part I have been pretty strong. Only letting a tear fall when Zach isn't within arms reach. Each day I think i have cried the last tear only to be reminded that my feelings don't completely shut down. Although I wish I had that power that Bill so easily taps into when needed. I find myself asking the same questions day after day. I feel like at some point I need to wake up from this horrible nightmare and have it all over with . I want to look over in the middle of the night and see him. Why is it that you don't know what you've got til it's gone?
I know that some day these feelings will be gone. I know it will get easier. I know someday I will be able to think about it without crying, but why does that day seem so far? Every day I carry around so much guilt that we are doing the same thing our parents did to us. I look at Zach and it just kills me. I wish we would have thought clearly about all of this before we acted so childish.
So, each day I will go on hoping to become stronger than the last; I don't think I can really take any more low blows. I am already scraping up the pieces as best I can.
But, more than anything I have Zach. Each day ends with me thanking God, whoever he is, that I have who I gave life to; yet he really breathes the life right back into me. When there seems like there is no end to this mess, he is the one light at the end of the tunnel. Each night when we say our prayers, I assure him that no matter where we are, no matter what; I will always be here. His mama will always be here.
You are my baby, and I am your mama. I love you, my ray of light, more that you will ever understand.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
2 years ago today...
I woke up having the worst contractions. Tomorrow was my due date. I knew today was the day, or so I thought. It was a Monday and I already had a Dr. appt. scheduled. I took a shower, and I remember needing Bill to put lotion on my legs because I couldn't reach them. This morning seemed to drag on forever, I could feel the tightness in my belly like a starting gun in a race. I was worried that baby was going to fall out. Seriously, I was. After all of the horrifying stories of girls giving birth in a toilet, or in the car on the way to the hospital; I so cautiously took a shower. When we got to the Dr., I was sure that he would check me and have me rushed by an ambulance to the nearest hospital. Well, it didn't happen quite like that. Since he had already scheduled me to be induced the next day ( which I so so so did not want) , my due date; he told me to just go home and time my contractions. I was only dilated to one centimeter. Same as last week. When they were 4 minutes apart, call him and head over to the hospital. So, Bill dropped me off at my mom's and my sister and I timed contractions all day. As much pain as I was in, looking back on this day brings so much happiness to me. Maybe the comfort of being back at my mom's, maybe being with my sister for such an important time, I don't know. But it does. We timed them all day, some hours worse than others. Then Jess came over. I remember this because she and Ali just found it so ridiculous that I was singing during contractions. I don't know why I was, I don't usually burst out in tune. But it took my mind off my pain. I was very lucky to have them both there. ( Jess is my sister's best friend, since birth, and also like my own little sister) We went back to my house around 4 , and later my mom came. Same story, singing, contractions, etc. I did forget to add that these two silly girls were making fun of me so bad at one point for singing that I finally realized how ridiculous I must have looked that I started laughing so hard and peed my pants. Around 6 P.m. they called Bill to come home from work. It was time!
We headed over to the hospital and they checked me again, let me tell you, (sorry to sound so graphic) it's not pretty. I had about 4 or 5 different hands inside me in one night. Not fun. They were going to send me back home since I hadn't changed much but since I had to be back at 5 A.M, they admitted me. That night was so rough, but Bill was there every minute of it. I am not going to go into every detail, just the ones that stick out in my mind.
I didn't go in there thinking I was going to get the epidural, I wanted to do it all natural. Yeah, right! I finally decided to get it, and I was so scared. I think I was actually more worried about this needle in my back than the actual child birth! I will never forget the nurse that was in there at the time. The anesthesiologist was rude and was telling me NOT to move! But, how can I sit still when I am having these contractions? I just imagined him putting it in and getting a huge one starting at the same time, the needle going in wrong and just being paralyzed for life. Well, I was OK. But that nurse was so kind, and I remember her looking into my eyes to calm me down. I don't know why I remember that part so clearly. After that had kicked in, I was in tears I was so happy. I felt so much better. The rest of the night progressed quickly, and the next morning my whole family was there.
At about 3 p.m., I had woken up from a nap and told the nurse that I felt A LOT of pressure, like I had to go to the bathroom. She just said that it was normal and would check me again in a minute. I told her No, I think you need to check me NOW! She did, and sure enough I, was completely dilated and ready to go. I pushed for about an hour. It's crazy to think about now, I don't even remember the pain. I just remember thinking " I can't do this anymore." But there was no going back. I remember his head almost out because I could see on Bill's face when he saw him come, then go, then he was out. And soon I was looking at what we had been waiting for, for 9 months. He was here. All we had talked about him looking like, how big he would be, would he look like me or Bill? Well, there was no more wondering. We were looking at him. I'll never forget the look on his face when I saw him for the first time. His little puffy eyes, and pursed mouth. I can't even find words to describe the feeling. Love a t first sight. It was so emotional, and I had really proved myself to, well, myself. I did it. I took what had been dealt, and I did it. I I felt like such a woman. I now shared something in common with all the women I had looked up to all of my life. I had a child. I was a mama. I really love how that sounds. Even in mid-conversation now, I will hear myself refer to "my son" and just smile.
After Zach was born, it seemed like like there were 40 people in my room. Maybe there was, I don't know. All I know is that I had what I dreamed about having my entire life. Those next few hours and days in the hospital bring back such great memories. The juice and crackers. The peacefulness of the nights. All of it. I would love to go back and re-live those 4 days again, not in hopes to do it differently, but to savor each moment of it.
When we left for home, I think we both felt complete. We had done this together, and it felt right. We had just experienced something neither of us had ever experienced with anyone else, and we were a family. Just the three of us, our own family.
Looking back brings feelings of accomplishment, change, excitement, and most of all love. We have built such peaceful memories in these last two years. Memories of the three of us. Bill and I still ask each other how we made such an amazing boy. To us, he is our world. Watching him grow is unbelievable. Things that most wouldn't think twice about, is what we find ourselves laughing about during a 'romantic' dinner. And, as much as we teach him, I think he will teach us far more than ABC's, and 123's.
This journey I call mama hood is the hardest Job I never even knew I would get, but let me tell you; it is by far the most rewarding job I could ever be hired for. I was talking to a friend yesterday and she was saying how she was really wanting kids, but after the birthday party she said she could "chill on kids for a while." She said she saw that it is a constant job, and she doesn't think she is ready for that yet. Are we ever ready? I don' t think anything can prepare a new mother for what is ahead of her. But you do it. You just do it. No matter the circumstances. And you do it well. You get the hang of it. I tried explaining it to her yesterday, but I couldn't . You can't "explain" how your ears wake you up in the middle of a great sleep because the baby is awake, or how you learn the quickest way to blow dry your hair with a 2 year old hanging on your leg, or how you go until 4 pm without eating, simply because you forgot. Or how all of this is ok, how it doesn't bother you. It is life, your life. Most importantly, how nothing else matters half as much as your family. Peoples opinions of you go out the window. Your babies look to you like you are the only person that exists, and in that very moment, you know that they are the mere reason that your existence is so very important. I know that now, Bill and Zach are my light at every end, of every tunnel. Some days I see more tunnels that expected, but that's OK. I come out stronger, more accomplished, and with a little bit more patience.
Zachy, "You are my baby, and I am your Mama. "
I love you very, very much.
P.s. Please excuse the fact that just about every post is about being a mom, that seems to be the only thing that moves me to write lately.
We headed over to the hospital and they checked me again, let me tell you, (sorry to sound so graphic) it's not pretty. I had about 4 or 5 different hands inside me in one night. Not fun. They were going to send me back home since I hadn't changed much but since I had to be back at 5 A.M, they admitted me. That night was so rough, but Bill was there every minute of it. I am not going to go into every detail, just the ones that stick out in my mind.
I didn't go in there thinking I was going to get the epidural, I wanted to do it all natural. Yeah, right! I finally decided to get it, and I was so scared. I think I was actually more worried about this needle in my back than the actual child birth! I will never forget the nurse that was in there at the time. The anesthesiologist was rude and was telling me NOT to move! But, how can I sit still when I am having these contractions? I just imagined him putting it in and getting a huge one starting at the same time, the needle going in wrong and just being paralyzed for life. Well, I was OK. But that nurse was so kind, and I remember her looking into my eyes to calm me down. I don't know why I remember that part so clearly. After that had kicked in, I was in tears I was so happy. I felt so much better. The rest of the night progressed quickly, and the next morning my whole family was there.
At about 3 p.m., I had woken up from a nap and told the nurse that I felt A LOT of pressure, like I had to go to the bathroom. She just said that it was normal and would check me again in a minute. I told her No, I think you need to check me NOW! She did, and sure enough I, was completely dilated and ready to go. I pushed for about an hour. It's crazy to think about now, I don't even remember the pain. I just remember thinking " I can't do this anymore." But there was no going back. I remember his head almost out because I could see on Bill's face when he saw him come, then go, then he was out. And soon I was looking at what we had been waiting for, for 9 months. He was here. All we had talked about him looking like, how big he would be, would he look like me or Bill? Well, there was no more wondering. We were looking at him. I'll never forget the look on his face when I saw him for the first time. His little puffy eyes, and pursed mouth. I can't even find words to describe the feeling. Love a t first sight. It was so emotional, and I had really proved myself to, well, myself. I did it. I took what had been dealt, and I did it. I I felt like such a woman. I now shared something in common with all the women I had looked up to all of my life. I had a child. I was a mama. I really love how that sounds. Even in mid-conversation now, I will hear myself refer to "my son" and just smile.
After Zach was born, it seemed like like there were 40 people in my room. Maybe there was, I don't know. All I know is that I had what I dreamed about having my entire life. Those next few hours and days in the hospital bring back such great memories. The juice and crackers. The peacefulness of the nights. All of it. I would love to go back and re-live those 4 days again, not in hopes to do it differently, but to savor each moment of it.
When we left for home, I think we both felt complete. We had done this together, and it felt right. We had just experienced something neither of us had ever experienced with anyone else, and we were a family. Just the three of us, our own family.
Looking back brings feelings of accomplishment, change, excitement, and most of all love. We have built such peaceful memories in these last two years. Memories of the three of us. Bill and I still ask each other how we made such an amazing boy. To us, he is our world. Watching him grow is unbelievable. Things that most wouldn't think twice about, is what we find ourselves laughing about during a 'romantic' dinner. And, as much as we teach him, I think he will teach us far more than ABC's, and 123's.
This journey I call mama hood is the hardest Job I never even knew I would get, but let me tell you; it is by far the most rewarding job I could ever be hired for. I was talking to a friend yesterday and she was saying how she was really wanting kids, but after the birthday party she said she could "chill on kids for a while." She said she saw that it is a constant job, and she doesn't think she is ready for that yet. Are we ever ready? I don' t think anything can prepare a new mother for what is ahead of her. But you do it. You just do it. No matter the circumstances. And you do it well. You get the hang of it. I tried explaining it to her yesterday, but I couldn't . You can't "explain" how your ears wake you up in the middle of a great sleep because the baby is awake, or how you learn the quickest way to blow dry your hair with a 2 year old hanging on your leg, or how you go until 4 pm without eating, simply because you forgot. Or how all of this is ok, how it doesn't bother you. It is life, your life. Most importantly, how nothing else matters half as much as your family. Peoples opinions of you go out the window. Your babies look to you like you are the only person that exists, and in that very moment, you know that they are the mere reason that your existence is so very important. I know that now, Bill and Zach are my light at every end, of every tunnel. Some days I see more tunnels that expected, but that's OK. I come out stronger, more accomplished, and with a little bit more patience.
Zachy, "You are my baby, and I am your Mama. "
I love you very, very much.
P.s. Please excuse the fact that just about every post is about being a mom, that seems to be the only thing that moves me to write lately.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
A very long, but fun weekend
Well this weekend went just as planned, with just a few minor melt-downs. Which is surprising-considering they have been happening pretty frequently around these parts. Friday, Halloween, was so much more fun than I had expected. This year was much easier than last. Maybe due to having this whole "mama thing" down a little bit better. I worked on his costume up until about 3 hours before him needing to wear it. Luckily it was a slow day at work. :) It came out better than I thought, and even had a few hours left to put some extra detail into it.
We met our friends Tim, Amy, Mason and Owen at the Downtown La Verne Trick or Treat deal they have. Zach had so much fun getting candy and putting only about every other piece in his mouth. I swear, he sat down every two stores to do inventory on his candy. It was so cute. He is such a charmer, I think we may have trouble from this one. Mason and Owen had a great time too, and they all play so nice with each other. They even shared their candy, sort of. Amy had a great idea with the wagon, I might try that next year. Normally Zach is just dying to get out of his stroller, and the one day I want him to walk, he didn't want out! He realized it was easier to eat his candy IN the stroller.
After downtown we went to Grandmas to have dinner. Zach didn't have very much of an appetite after so much Halloween candy. When it got dark, we went back out. For some more candy. All in all, it was such a fun night.
On Saturday we had Zach's 2nd birthday party. I can't believe it has been another year! He is not quite 2, and this week I am savoring these last few moments of this birthday year. It is always bittersweet this time of year. Each day he is learning something new, and as much as I love this; I still find myself hanging onto the baby years. It is unbelievable to me to think that just 2 years ago, I was child-less. It seems like there was never a time that I didn't know and love him. Some days seem to never end, but when I look back; I am constantly wondering where the time went. It really teaches you to just enjoy this time. Just slow down. Take it in stride.
I watched Zach play at his party, playing so nicely with the other kids. It feels so good to know that I am raising such a sweet boy. I remember my mom always telling us how polite our friends parents said that we were when we would stay for dinner, sleep over, etc. I am beginning to know the feeling she got when hearing that. I love to just sit back and watch him when he is his own person, away from me. He shares, smiles, and try to be helpful. I see that I am doing a good job with him. I always knew I wanted to raise a boy with the morals my mom set before us. Not necessarily a braniac, athlete, politician, or scientist. But, someone who is honest, thoughtful,confident, and caring. I want to raise a man who will be a good Father, and Husband. I think I am heading in the right direction. Thanks to my great Mom.
So, as we head into another year, I am so thankful for the guidance I have had through my years which had given me the ability to be the person, wife, and mother I am today. I look forward to watching my baby grow into the person he is, and will be. And I will always keep my promise to show him different roads, but let him chose which one to walk down.
"You are my baby, and I am your Mama."
I love you Zach.
My great friend Amy took all these great pics! Thank gooodness for her, as our camera is broken.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Zach's Costume
Well, since I am the infamous procrastinator , I am just now beginning the sewing of Zach's costume. So far, I have one chap done, and 5 needles later I am beginning on the second chap. Still have the vest and some finishing touches to do. I really can get lost in sewing. I forgot how relaxing, and meditative it is. Even the sound of the machine is soothing. And homemade costumes, blankets, clothes, etc., are just the best.
It'll be midnight before I get to bed, but today was a great day. I got so much done for the party and really can't wait to see all of our friends and family. (Minus the Brandlers :( ) Ethan's Bday party is on the same day, but we will be thinking of him.
I am off to attempt to get at least 5 hours of sleep. I will have to call Laura tomorrow to see what the heck is going on with my machine. ( Laura, if you read this, my bobbin keeps spitting out a bunch of thread and I think that is why my needle is breaking. It's almost like it's getting jammed. Any ideas? I can bring it over if you don't get wat I mean. Thank you! ;)
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Happy Birthday, Aimee
I am slowly in the process of a b-day present for Aimee...planned for it to be done by the actual date but it's looking like she may get it at my babes birthday party. Anyway, I thought now would be a good time to write about this person.
I'll start at the beginning. I met Aimee when I was pregnant with Zach. At this time, my "friends" decided my life was just way too different to carry on our friendship and I felt like the world had fallen from under me. Bill and I were trying to work out the kinks in our relationship and all was seeming so confusing.
I remember it was in August when we met. Or maybe late July. I remember because I had been at Laura's all day sewing a blanket for my nephew. I remember this day so clearly. I don't know why. It was a Friday and Bill said we were not going to do anything. So, no makeup, no hair-did, nothing. last minute Bill calls and says he wants me to come meet some of his friends. What!? Now? I'm not ready, I can't go. Well, Bill insisted and I went. Prior to this, anytime I went out, it was a huge production. Right outfit? Check. Hair? Check. Make up? Check. Entourage?Check. And then, I met these new people.
It was so different. they weren't like that. They really showed me how important real relationships are. Minus all the crap that doesn't matter ( make up, clothes, hair, etc.)
Aimee was there at Mike's, Knitting. Of course. At the time i didn't understand her obsess...er, love for knitting. She looked so happy, so comfortable. She wasn't trying to impress anyone, it seemed weird. anyone else that occupied the shallow places I used to go to always had an agenda. She didn't. That was clear. She showed so much interest in my pregnancy, in mamahood. ( Little did we know that the beans were soon to be cookin') I just liked her. A lot. i knew she was someone I wanted to know. Some time went by, I had Zach. and life just got in the way. We didn't talk . Then, I think it was when she had her babies, we met again. And that is where the friendship really grew. I think we just understood each other. We could talk about the difficulties we faced in being mamas. The joy of the rare occasions in sleeping past 6 am. First steps, first words. First signs of affection. Aimee is the first person who really understood that feeling when you get your first impromptu kiss. Others said they did, but I KNEW she did. There was no judging. no competing. As I started to get to know her better, she started to just get better and better.
Aimee is so real, and you know that all you get is honesty from her. She is there to talk me out of my craziness I sometimes find myself in. She's calm. But always Excited, about something. She loves her family more than anything. She really is just the perfect friend.
We always talk about how hard it is to find a good group of girlfriends, and we are so lucky to have found them. Katie, Vee, Alicia, all the porpoises out there!
I especially feel so blessed to have found another mama-friend. They just get it like most don't. I learn from her, and respect the mama she is. After going for so long not feeling that connection with another friend, I can't say how great it is to have Aimee. And Tim. And definitely Mason and Owen. Really, all of her family. Her parents are the kind of people you hear about, and think ' Why can't there be more people like that?'
Oh! And one more thing. There aren't very many people who understand out undying love for sea creatures!
Aimee, I love you. Thank You for being my friend. You have really helped me in becoming the mom, and Wife I am trying to be. You can find the youth of a teen in yourself , and the wisdom we only hope to have in 50 years. All at the right time.
Happy Birthday!
Friday, October 24, 2008
Is this as good as it gets?
Well, speech therapy has begun. And...it is OK. I thought it would be different. A nice lady, well girl actually, came over and just played with Z. It didn't seem like anything I couldn't do, but I am stepping back to learn also. It seemed like she really just announced each action she was doing. "We're putting the pegs inside the bag." Annunciation on inside. I see where we differ here. I would say "Come on Zach, put em in the bag." OK, so maybe I am verbally inept also. Who Knows.
I've had a pretty rough couple of days here. Some days feel as if I am losing it. Wednesday started at the Community Thrift Store, bad idea at nap time. Didn't find what I needed, but found what I didn't need. A brand new pair of pink Pumas for twenty bucks. Cute polo for Z. Bathroom rug, etc. Whatever. Of course Z fell asleep on the somewhat long ride home. Just enough to recharge his batteries. I lay him down in his bed, and like a jack in the box; pop goes the weasel. He's up. I didn't realize how much i rely on his nap time. But I do, a lot. Anyway. I attempted to lay down with him, out of desperation for any type of nap. He does not do well with no nap. I'm still not sure if he ever fell asleep, all I know is that I did. I put toons on, so that kept him occupied at least. We (I?) woke up around 5, was supposed to go to 3 parties. Got dressed. Zach was playing with my keys, I didn't care if he was playing with a kitchen knife ( OK, dramatic but you get it) we just had to get out of there. I heard him put my keys out the mail slot so I knew they were safe from being hidden. Got Zach dressed, we were finally out of there! Or so I thought. Zach didn't put my keys out the mail slot. I didn't know where he put them. I looked. And looked. I asked Zach (as if awaiting an answer) "Where did you put Mommy's keys?" "Zach, where are Mommy's keys?" "ZACH, WHERE ARE MOMMY'S KEYS?" Why did I get so mad? It wasn't his fault. I should have put them on the key rack, just like Bill had said earlier. In the moment you want them to be an adult, just answer the question please, and lets go. I got so mad. I will skip the rest, you can imagine the frustration. Needless to say, and hour and a half later Zach found my keys. Under a pile of clothes I looked under 3 times, I swear. Needless to day, we didn't make it to any party.
It's just been days like this where I feel I am losing my mind. Literally. Zach has been exceptionally fussy lately, and constantly throwing tantrums. I think all together he screamed for 2 hours yesterday. He cried for a cookie for 20 minutes. I tried time out. Still nothing. I finally just gave in and, not gave him the cookie, but held him for a while. I t helped for a minute, but soon we were back to the cookie.
Later that night I attempted to give him a haircut, which resulted in bribing with 2 bags of fruit snacks, and eventually crawling into the tub with him. After the 30 minute haircut, we were done. Needless to say it was a v-e-r-y long day.
I wonder if my husband realizes the hurtles in my day. I try to explain, but I'm not quite sure that he "gets". I shouldn't be complaining because I wouldn't trade it for anything (well, maybe the real- job part, I could do without that;however not financially) I love being home with him, being the one to raise him. But...some days I want to run far, far away.
I am really starting to wonder if after watching every marriage that I knew of fail, If I am next. Maybe it's not in my blood to be different. I wonder if my mind is so set to believe that every marriage fails, if I will cause mine to. Sometimes it seems easier to fight, and not speak to each other. That way we never get any closer, making the fall easier. Things seem so be moving in the right direction, and Boom! We are so consistent in one thing. And it seems one thing only. I wonder if because Zach came so soon into the relationship, that we never built a strong enough foundation for the two of us. I just don't know anymore. Some days I just want out. No I don't. I don't. But I want this to end. I wish I could re-write my past, and not grow up with divorced parents, and almost, every other week divorced-again-parents.
I hope things get better. I do love this man with every piece of me.
Maybe the weekend will bring some peace.
I hope so, because I can not go on like this.
I've had a pretty rough couple of days here. Some days feel as if I am losing it. Wednesday started at the Community Thrift Store, bad idea at nap time. Didn't find what I needed, but found what I didn't need. A brand new pair of pink Pumas for twenty bucks. Cute polo for Z. Bathroom rug, etc. Whatever. Of course Z fell asleep on the somewhat long ride home. Just enough to recharge his batteries. I lay him down in his bed, and like a jack in the box; pop goes the weasel. He's up. I didn't realize how much i rely on his nap time. But I do, a lot. Anyway. I attempted to lay down with him, out of desperation for any type of nap. He does not do well with no nap. I'm still not sure if he ever fell asleep, all I know is that I did. I put toons on, so that kept him occupied at least. We (I?) woke up around 5, was supposed to go to 3 parties. Got dressed. Zach was playing with my keys, I didn't care if he was playing with a kitchen knife ( OK, dramatic but you get it) we just had to get out of there. I heard him put my keys out the mail slot so I knew they were safe from being hidden. Got Zach dressed, we were finally out of there! Or so I thought. Zach didn't put my keys out the mail slot. I didn't know where he put them. I looked. And looked. I asked Zach (as if awaiting an answer) "Where did you put Mommy's keys?" "Zach, where are Mommy's keys?" "ZACH, WHERE ARE MOMMY'S KEYS?" Why did I get so mad? It wasn't his fault. I should have put them on the key rack, just like Bill had said earlier. In the moment you want them to be an adult, just answer the question please, and lets go. I got so mad. I will skip the rest, you can imagine the frustration. Needless to say, and hour and a half later Zach found my keys. Under a pile of clothes I looked under 3 times, I swear. Needless to day, we didn't make it to any party.
It's just been days like this where I feel I am losing my mind. Literally. Zach has been exceptionally fussy lately, and constantly throwing tantrums. I think all together he screamed for 2 hours yesterday. He cried for a cookie for 20 minutes. I tried time out. Still nothing. I finally just gave in and, not gave him the cookie, but held him for a while. I t helped for a minute, but soon we were back to the cookie.
Later that night I attempted to give him a haircut, which resulted in bribing with 2 bags of fruit snacks, and eventually crawling into the tub with him. After the 30 minute haircut, we were done. Needless to say it was a v-e-r-y long day.
I wonder if my husband realizes the hurtles in my day. I try to explain, but I'm not quite sure that he "gets". I shouldn't be complaining because I wouldn't trade it for anything (well, maybe the real- job part, I could do without that;however not financially) I love being home with him, being the one to raise him. But...some days I want to run far, far away.
I am really starting to wonder if after watching every marriage that I knew of fail, If I am next. Maybe it's not in my blood to be different. I wonder if my mind is so set to believe that every marriage fails, if I will cause mine to. Sometimes it seems easier to fight, and not speak to each other. That way we never get any closer, making the fall easier. Things seem so be moving in the right direction, and Boom! We are so consistent in one thing. And it seems one thing only. I wonder if because Zach came so soon into the relationship, that we never built a strong enough foundation for the two of us. I just don't know anymore. Some days I just want out. No I don't. I don't. But I want this to end. I wish I could re-write my past, and not grow up with divorced parents, and almost, every other week divorced-again-parents.
I hope things get better. I do love this man with every piece of me.
Maybe the weekend will bring some peace.
I hope so, because I can not go on like this.
Monday, October 20, 2008
OctoberI
I forgot just how much I love the month of October! I just wish it would cool down a bit...
We took Zach to the Pumpkin Patch yesterday, he had a great time. The first one we went to had a bounce house and a petting Zoo. The petting Zoo was really more of a poop fest than anything, but I think he enjoyed it. The bounce house was fun too, but I now agree with the Bill on his reasoning behind NO bounce house for Z's birthday. You get more than 2 kids in there and you're asking for an accident. We were lucky that there were only little kids bouncin' around. After that we had to take him to the Patch up at Heritage Park. They have a hayride, so much fun! I had forgotten how ridiculously expensive pumpkins were. $25 for a decent sized one at the first patch. 25!! Jeez, there must be something special in there for that price. Anyway, Heritage Park has much better prices. We will buy a big one there.
I just love this time of year, it is the beginning of the Holidays, family, good food, and friends. Each year keeps getting better and better. And to top it all off...dun, dun,dun....Bill said we can start baby makin' soon!! I can't wait!! I am so excited. Zach told Bill he wants a baby sister. Or Brother. ( Believe me, Zach and I worked on that one all day!) :)
So strange to think another year has passed by. Why is it that around this time is when we begin to realize how fast the year flew by?
We took Zach to the Pumpkin Patch yesterday, he had a great time. The first one we went to had a bounce house and a petting Zoo. The petting Zoo was really more of a poop fest than anything, but I think he enjoyed it. The bounce house was fun too, but I now agree with the Bill on his reasoning behind NO bounce house for Z's birthday. You get more than 2 kids in there and you're asking for an accident. We were lucky that there were only little kids bouncin' around. After that we had to take him to the Patch up at Heritage Park. They have a hayride, so much fun! I had forgotten how ridiculously expensive pumpkins were. $25 for a decent sized one at the first patch. 25!! Jeez, there must be something special in there for that price. Anyway, Heritage Park has much better prices. We will buy a big one there.
I just love this time of year, it is the beginning of the Holidays, family, good food, and friends. Each year keeps getting better and better. And to top it all off...dun, dun,dun....Bill said we can start baby makin' soon!! I can't wait!! I am so excited. Zach told Bill he wants a baby sister. Or Brother. ( Believe me, Zach and I worked on that one all day!) :)
So strange to think another year has passed by. Why is it that around this time is when we begin to realize how fast the year flew by?
Thursday, October 16, 2008
6:45 A.M.
I took this driving into work this morning. It's amazing how beautiful and quiet a rock plant can be in the wee hours of the morning.Wednesday, October 15, 2008
hmm...
My mom asked me tonight if I posted to the whole world to see that Zach had to be "assessed." Yes, yes I did. It doesn't bother me that he may be 'lacking' in some areas, but soaring in others. My son is sweet, caring, smart, prettyful, and every other good word we use to describe our children. I wouldn't care if someone were to tell me he had no IQ whatsoever. He is my baby. Assess away. I know who and what he is. I don't need a clipboard to tell me that.
I just had to add that, I was thinking about it on the way home. :)
I'm just sittin' here watchin mollasses dry...
Disclaimer: I, in no means have tried to offend anyone who has a child with learning disabilities. At all, whatsoever.
My Tuesday:
"Zach, can you say B-A-L-L?"
"Zach, can you stack these blocks?"
"Zach, can you put these cubes in the cup?"
I'm watching my ' most-smartest-person-in-the-world-two-year-old' play innocently while "Angie" sits with a clipboard watching and, I love this word, assessing. Assessing my son. MY SON. But Zach is the smartest "baby" in the world.
And, this is when it all starts. This is where mama warrior steps in. Up until now I can say it has been easy. Really, I can. He has hit every milestone, mostly hitting them early. He wasn't just crawling, he was army crawling. And when he started walking, he was running. I mean, running! So when his pediatrician noticed there may be a speech delay, I was speech-LESS. I noticed he wasn't talking very much, but I always thought it was because he was a stay at home kid. I didn't see it as much of a problem. No, no, no. ( Amy, this is in our boys no, no, no) It was. So here she sat. Watching. Assessing. Recording. And here I sat. Doubting(myself, not Z). Questioning (again, myself). Stewing.
Angie: "Well, Mrs. Barringer. He only got 1 out of 7."
Me: "Well, he might not copy everything you do. But he does other things. Like, make light of situations when they get too heavy. Like wanting to console every baby he hears crying. Like, knowing just when to say byum, byum. LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE HE DOES!!!!"
(this is why he soared in the Social skills section)
Who wants a copy cat, anyway.
You find yourself backtracking, second quessing. Did I not speak to him enough? Did I not play with him enough? Maybe I wasn't vocal with him enough as an infant. I don't know. For all we know he could be laughing in his head " ha ha, mama. I'm tricking you. I can talk, I don't really want to just yet."
It's very hard to watch your son playing and making new friends with this lady, when really he is being "assessed" to see if he has a learning disability. What ever happened to kids talking when they were ready. Potty training when they were ready. Since when is it deemed a 'learning disability'? Were so quick to push them . Make them grow up faster. When a mother goes past her EDD, mind you that stands for ESTIMATED due date, that day Doc is ready to induce. Why? Does anyone remember that God designed this? When our babies are ready, for anything, they will tell us.
They insisted that he lacked the skills needed to develop his language. I insisted they were wrong. They tried to reassure me that this was very common, and that some babies are just 'slower.' This was all such a shock to me. I thought when they came out to do the assessment they would see that they were wrong. But, they were right, I guess. I'm not a specialist. But I am his mama. And, I want to do what is best for him.
So, after all that...We start next week with an infant specialist. It's free and I figure it can't hurt. As long as I don't see him being pushed too much, or traumatized by the situation. (I know, a little dramatic) What qualifies her for that title, I have no idea. Last I checked, I was also an infant specialist. I growed this baby up, didn't I?
But, this is where it begins. People passing judgement. Not getting invited to birthday parties. Not making the team. Getting a C on the report they put their heart into. And, God forbid, being made fun of. What will we do? We will want to step in, pick them up and protect them from anything that will hurt them. But we can't. This is all part of growing up, for them and us. One thing I will always promise Zach: I will help you find the path, but always let you walk down it.
I am eager to see what these classes bring for us. I know it will be a learning experience for myself, just as much as it will be for my 'baby'.
I love you Zach a boo.
"You are my baby, and I am your Mama"
My Tuesday:
"Zach, can you say B-A-L-L?"
"Zach, can you stack these blocks?"
"Zach, can you put these cubes in the cup?"
I'm watching my ' most-smartest-person-in-the-world-two-year-old' play innocently while "Angie" sits with a clipboard watching and, I love this word, assessing. Assessing my son. MY SON. But Zach is the smartest "baby" in the world.
And, this is when it all starts. This is where mama warrior steps in. Up until now I can say it has been easy. Really, I can. He has hit every milestone, mostly hitting them early. He wasn't just crawling, he was army crawling. And when he started walking, he was running. I mean, running! So when his pediatrician noticed there may be a speech delay, I was speech-LESS. I noticed he wasn't talking very much, but I always thought it was because he was a stay at home kid. I didn't see it as much of a problem. No, no, no. ( Amy, this is in our boys no, no, no) It was. So here she sat. Watching. Assessing. Recording. And here I sat. Doubting(myself, not Z). Questioning (again, myself). Stewing.
Angie: "Well, Mrs. Barringer. He only got 1 out of 7."
Me: "Well, he might not copy everything you do. But he does other things. Like, make light of situations when they get too heavy. Like wanting to console every baby he hears crying. Like, knowing just when to say byum, byum. LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE HE DOES!!!!"
(this is why he soared in the Social skills section)
Who wants a copy cat, anyway.
You find yourself backtracking, second quessing. Did I not speak to him enough? Did I not play with him enough? Maybe I wasn't vocal with him enough as an infant. I don't know. For all we know he could be laughing in his head " ha ha, mama. I'm tricking you. I can talk, I don't really want to just yet."
It's very hard to watch your son playing and making new friends with this lady, when really he is being "assessed" to see if he has a learning disability. What ever happened to kids talking when they were ready. Potty training when they were ready. Since when is it deemed a 'learning disability'? Were so quick to push them . Make them grow up faster. When a mother goes past her EDD, mind you that stands for ESTIMATED due date, that day Doc is ready to induce. Why? Does anyone remember that God designed this? When our babies are ready, for anything, they will tell us.
They insisted that he lacked the skills needed to develop his language. I insisted they were wrong. They tried to reassure me that this was very common, and that some babies are just 'slower.' This was all such a shock to me. I thought when they came out to do the assessment they would see that they were wrong. But, they were right, I guess. I'm not a specialist. But I am his mama. And, I want to do what is best for him.
So, after all that...We start next week with an infant specialist. It's free and I figure it can't hurt. As long as I don't see him being pushed too much, or traumatized by the situation. (I know, a little dramatic) What qualifies her for that title, I have no idea. Last I checked, I was also an infant specialist. I growed this baby up, didn't I?
But, this is where it begins. People passing judgement. Not getting invited to birthday parties. Not making the team. Getting a C on the report they put their heart into. And, God forbid, being made fun of. What will we do? We will want to step in, pick them up and protect them from anything that will hurt them. But we can't. This is all part of growing up, for them and us. One thing I will always promise Zach: I will help you find the path, but always let you walk down it.
I am eager to see what these classes bring for us. I know it will be a learning experience for myself, just as much as it will be for my 'baby'.
I love you Zach a boo.
"You are my baby, and I am your Mama"
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
All you need to know in life you'll learn from a 2 year old
"Ma"..."Maaa!"
I wake up to you calling my name. It is another day of knowing you. Another day of watching you explore the little things you find amazing. Who knew one could get so much joy out of watching a lizard, or trying to catch a single fly for 20 minutes. Or the excitement you get from putting your shoes on; just knowing we are going somewhere. Every day it seems you learn more and more. You really never cease to amaze me . Your little brain is like a sponge, learning daily as we go. You are so silly, already having such a good sense of humor. You seem to already know to make light of certain situations. You remind me to relax, slow down; it's all going to be ok!
I hear so many moms say how hectic and crazy their life has become since having children. And while I do agree with the hectic part, I'd have to say my life has become simplified. Since having Zach; I now see what is really important. I see what relationships are important, and what true friends are. I don't worry about my outfits like I used to, or who said what about who. I truly believe that life not only gets easier, but more meaningful after children. They have the ability to teach us so much about what really matters, or rather; what should matter in life. I find my conversations with other people are more meaningful and heartfelt. My relationships I chose to tend to are real. It has been so much easier to get rid of the bad, and keep the good. You wouldn't want the bad around your babes anyway. I know i am rambling now, but this has been running through my head for the last 6 mos now, and it's been a while since I have taken an English class. So please, bear with my run on sentences and poor paragraphing. (is that a word?)
Anyway, I don't feel guilty anymore for not returning phone calls asap, or missing a birthday bash. Especially when they missed my wedding...hmm. My handful of close friends, my wonderful husband and family is all that I need. Not that I could afford them now anyway, ( not sure that I ever could) but designer clothes are out the window, beautiful new high heels, please. But that's OK. I am a mama. I am a wife. I want nothing more than that. Finger painting and gardening is my life, and I am OK with that. The occasional night out with my hubby or close friends makes it nice also. There is just so much more to life that I just wasn't enjoying.
So, for as much as I will teach Zach throughout his life, he has already taught me something more valuable than most anything in this world.
I love you so much. So much.
"You are my baby and I am your Mama"
I wake up to you calling my name. It is another day of knowing you. Another day of watching you explore the little things you find amazing. Who knew one could get so much joy out of watching a lizard, or trying to catch a single fly for 20 minutes. Or the excitement you get from putting your shoes on; just knowing we are going somewhere. Every day it seems you learn more and more. You really never cease to amaze me . Your little brain is like a sponge, learning daily as we go. You are so silly, already having such a good sense of humor. You seem to already know to make light of certain situations. You remind me to relax, slow down; it's all going to be ok!
I hear so many moms say how hectic and crazy their life has become since having children. And while I do agree with the hectic part, I'd have to say my life has become simplified. Since having Zach; I now see what is really important. I see what relationships are important, and what true friends are. I don't worry about my outfits like I used to, or who said what about who. I truly believe that life not only gets easier, but more meaningful after children. They have the ability to teach us so much about what really matters, or rather; what should matter in life. I find my conversations with other people are more meaningful and heartfelt. My relationships I chose to tend to are real. It has been so much easier to get rid of the bad, and keep the good. You wouldn't want the bad around your babes anyway. I know i am rambling now, but this has been running through my head for the last 6 mos now, and it's been a while since I have taken an English class. So please, bear with my run on sentences and poor paragraphing. (is that a word?)
Anyway, I don't feel guilty anymore for not returning phone calls asap, or missing a birthday bash. Especially when they missed my wedding...hmm. My handful of close friends, my wonderful husband and family is all that I need. Not that I could afford them now anyway, ( not sure that I ever could) but designer clothes are out the window, beautiful new high heels, please. But that's OK. I am a mama. I am a wife. I want nothing more than that. Finger painting and gardening is my life, and I am OK with that. The occasional night out with my hubby or close friends makes it nice also. There is just so much more to life that I just wasn't enjoying.
So, for as much as I will teach Zach throughout his life, he has already taught me something more valuable than most anything in this world.
I love you so much. So much.
"You are my baby and I am your Mama"
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Abigail Ann Brandler
My dear friend Laurie had her baby girl on Friday. She is the most beautiful and perfect thing. Her labor was very intense, but soon after she had her epidural; baby seemed to literally just slip out. With all that Laurie has been through these past 9 mos, I think God owed it to her.
When I was with her last night I was able to hold A for the first time. It had been a while since I had held a new, new baby. Her hair and face felt like a handful of shaving cream, so soft. Her little painted on lips are just perfect. And her long fingers and toes...almost like a baby birds feet. She is beautiful. It' s amazing that after being a mother yourself; the feelings you have when you hold another.
Laurie is an amazing mother, and a great friend. She is patient, understanding, and unbelievably caring. Her 2 kids are so lucky to have her for them. She would do absolutely anything to protect them and cares for them beyond any ones capabilities I have seen. If more mothers could take a smidgen from her parenting; I don't think we would have half of the worlds problems we have today. I love her very much and feel so lucky that she is in my life; sometimes to remind me that I am the mother of a 2 year old...and RELAX. ( Her exact words, actually.)
When I was with her last night I was able to hold A for the first time. It had been a while since I had held a new, new baby. Her hair and face felt like a handful of shaving cream, so soft. Her little painted on lips are just perfect. And her long fingers and toes...almost like a baby birds feet. She is beautiful. It' s amazing that after being a mother yourself; the feelings you have when you hold another.
Laurie is an amazing mother, and a great friend. She is patient, understanding, and unbelievably caring. Her 2 kids are so lucky to have her for them. She would do absolutely anything to protect them and cares for them beyond any ones capabilities I have seen. If more mothers could take a smidgen from her parenting; I don't think we would have half of the worlds problems we have today. I love her very much and feel so lucky that she is in my life; sometimes to remind me that I am the mother of a 2 year old...and RELAX. ( Her exact words, actually.)
Friday, October 3, 2008
A mother's decision...
I dabbled back and forth during my cosmo school days, career woman, SAHM, career woman, SAHM.... what would be right for me? Will I even have kids? Will I meet the right man?
Well, in the beginning you had to pull me out of the salon at the end of the night. I couldn't do enough hair cuts, work out the best blow dry, or weave enough circles around my co workers. I had found it! I had found my one true love. My niche. My circle. I found who I wanted to be, and who I would work my tail off to become. Nothing had been so rewarding as working out that perfect hairstlyle that had my clients in tears as I turned her around to see what prevailed. I had never felt like I 'fit' with people as I did the amazing men (man) and women I worked with in that beautiful place. This was it! This was really the first true love I had found. I can't explain the feeling, but it's the true feeling of accomplishment, happiness, contentment, and I must say, confidence, that I had ever felt. I knew who I was here. I had drems of becoming a famous hairstylist. You know, jose eber, jonathan antin, that was what I knew I wanted. I was going to put off having children until I had gotten there. Then I would slow down and I would be able to selectively choose my clients and work when I wanted to .
Well, it didn't exactly happen that way.
I met Bill, and we had Zach. Unexpectedly, I might add. VERY unexpectedly. And it all changed. Now, this time, I had really found it. I had truly found what was missing in my life. These guys filled any void I had ever felt. Nothing compares what mama-hood brings to your life. Not only what Zach himself is to me, but what comes with it. More family trips, visiting grandmas more often, and most importantly; an unbreakable bond. Not only with Zach, but with Bill. I mean, this man has been through it all with me, he held my hand for 12 hours of labor. Not really, really bad labor. But he was there. He was there with me when I experienced the very most happiest moment of my (our) lives. Who else could compare? This was something that not even my mom was there to experience with me, and if you know me; you know that is a first. It feels so good. Nothing has ever felt more comfortable, or more fitting. Wife, mama. Mama, wife. I love it. Wife/mama/hairstylist. Yeah, I like that.
So, while I still label myself a SAHM, I get to do the other thing that I love. Make people beautiful. Although, it seems a very vein industry, it's not. I have had all walks of life in my chair. Believe me. I have. You hear about what is going on in these people's lives sometimes sooner than their own spouses. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. You become their friend, and they look to you for advice. A lot of times more than what color will look best on them.
So, I really have the best of both worlds. I raise my own babe, cook dinner for my husband, and make the world beautiful. And who said you can't have it all?
Well, in the beginning you had to pull me out of the salon at the end of the night. I couldn't do enough hair cuts, work out the best blow dry, or weave enough circles around my co workers. I had found it! I had found my one true love. My niche. My circle. I found who I wanted to be, and who I would work my tail off to become. Nothing had been so rewarding as working out that perfect hairstlyle that had my clients in tears as I turned her around to see what prevailed. I had never felt like I 'fit' with people as I did the amazing men (man) and women I worked with in that beautiful place. This was it! This was really the first true love I had found. I can't explain the feeling, but it's the true feeling of accomplishment, happiness, contentment, and I must say, confidence, that I had ever felt. I knew who I was here. I had drems of becoming a famous hairstylist. You know, jose eber, jonathan antin, that was what I knew I wanted. I was going to put off having children until I had gotten there. Then I would slow down and I would be able to selectively choose my clients and work when I wanted to .
Well, it didn't exactly happen that way.
I met Bill, and we had Zach. Unexpectedly, I might add. VERY unexpectedly. And it all changed. Now, this time, I had really found it. I had truly found what was missing in my life. These guys filled any void I had ever felt. Nothing compares what mama-hood brings to your life. Not only what Zach himself is to me, but what comes with it. More family trips, visiting grandmas more often, and most importantly; an unbreakable bond. Not only with Zach, but with Bill. I mean, this man has been through it all with me, he held my hand for 12 hours of labor. Not really, really bad labor. But he was there. He was there with me when I experienced the very most happiest moment of my (our) lives. Who else could compare? This was something that not even my mom was there to experience with me, and if you know me; you know that is a first. It feels so good. Nothing has ever felt more comfortable, or more fitting. Wife, mama. Mama, wife. I love it. Wife/mama/hairstylist. Yeah, I like that.
So, while I still label myself a SAHM, I get to do the other thing that I love. Make people beautiful. Although, it seems a very vein industry, it's not. I have had all walks of life in my chair. Believe me. I have. You hear about what is going on in these people's lives sometimes sooner than their own spouses. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. You become their friend, and they look to you for advice. A lot of times more than what color will look best on them.
So, I really have the best of both worlds. I raise my own babe, cook dinner for my husband, and make the world beautiful. And who said you can't have it all?
Thursday, October 2, 2008
In the Beginning...
I'm new to this blogging world. I enjoy reading a dear friends blogs, so I thought I would give it a try. She made a very good point about our babies being able to find it someday; God forbid anything were to ever happen to us.
I am also somewhat new to Mamahood, almost 2 years into it; some days feeling like it's my first. I will always remember those mostly-sleepless-nights wondering if this ever get easier. If I will ever be able to sleep through the night. If I will ever leave the house without spit-up on me. If I will ever sit down to a complete meal. Now, that those days are over, I wonder if I will ever be back there again. I miss the sleepless nights, the smell of spit-up, and even the untouched meals. I know my baby will never be that baby again. His first birthday was bitter sweet, and now as we are approaching his 2 nd, I long for just one more day of him being a baby. Just one more.
We get so caught up in life, in trying to keep up on the laundry, dusting, mopping, everything else that goes on in our day to day; that at times I think we lose sight of what is really important. Letting them water the plants, it may take longer but they will appreciate nature. Letting them climb out of the car themselves, they will find their Independence. Letting them put their own toys away, it will teach them responsibility. I find myself wanting to rush through these things...thinking there just isn't enough time. I will do it myself. Until I sit down and think about it, I don't realize just how much I am cheating him out of. These are the things that build character. No the fact that the dishes are done and the laundry is folded. We work hard so that I can be home with our son during the day, I really need to utilize that the best I can.
I hope some day Zach will really see and feel the love that I have for him. Zach, I love you very much.
"You are my baby, and I am your Mama."
I am also somewhat new to Mamahood, almost 2 years into it; some days feeling like it's my first. I will always remember those mostly-sleepless-nights wondering if this ever get easier. If I will ever be able to sleep through the night. If I will ever leave the house without spit-up on me. If I will ever sit down to a complete meal. Now, that those days are over, I wonder if I will ever be back there again. I miss the sleepless nights, the smell of spit-up, and even the untouched meals. I know my baby will never be that baby again. His first birthday was bitter sweet, and now as we are approaching his 2 nd, I long for just one more day of him being a baby. Just one more.
We get so caught up in life, in trying to keep up on the laundry, dusting, mopping, everything else that goes on in our day to day; that at times I think we lose sight of what is really important. Letting them water the plants, it may take longer but they will appreciate nature. Letting them climb out of the car themselves, they will find their Independence. Letting them put their own toys away, it will teach them responsibility. I find myself wanting to rush through these things...thinking there just isn't enough time. I will do it myself. Until I sit down and think about it, I don't realize just how much I am cheating him out of. These are the things that build character. No the fact that the dishes are done and the laundry is folded. We work hard so that I can be home with our son during the day, I really need to utilize that the best I can.
I hope some day Zach will really see and feel the love that I have for him. Zach, I love you very much.
"You are my baby, and I am your Mama."
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