Because I don't have internet access at home, and normally I blog at work but due to layoff's everywhere...I have not found this at the top of my to do list. But...I got here a little bit early this morning.
So many things have happened since I last blogges. Some good, some bad and some horrible. But mostly good. I have finally gotten to the point I saw coming a long time ago. I am filing for divorce. I have thought, prayed, sought advice, and my head, heart, and anything else that gives me direction is pointing me this way. This last month has been one of the most trying times in my life; as well as one of the most freeing. I have finally let a huge weight off of my shoulders knowing what is going to happen. The past 6 mos I have been drug through the mud in my so called marriage. I do, I don't, I do I don't. I can't do it anymore. I can't base my life on maybe's. I won't. I have finally found the person I was before Bill, before Zach, and before the hurt. I found that I am not able to be who I really am with Bill. It doesn't work. I do not want my son to be raised by someone who is not true. I am funny, Zach has got to know that. Some of my greatest, most fondest memories growing up are of us kids laughing with our mom. Thinking, knowing how lucky we are to have this silly, loving, carefree mom. He deserves that. And now. He has that.
Divorce is such an ugly, heart-wrenching, horrible thing. The lawyers, papers, the judge, mediation, all of it. All of this with some you once said" I do. Always. For better and for Worse." Well, this is the 'worse.' It's crazy, really. In the midst of all the fighting, crying, throwing, in all of this tangled mess, why is it then that you realize that 'Yes, you do love this person.' I remember a friend telling me in the middle of this, that yes, you can love someone with all of your heart, with every inch of your soul, but not always can you live with that person. Ohhh.....if we had all the answers. So, here we are 6 days away from our one year anniversary; signing divorce papers. Splitting up visitation(ugh), child support, he said-she said, and yet one year ago we swore we would never be here. I hate so say this, even think it for that matter; but I do feel a huge weight lifted off my life. Not Bill. Just "US" in general. (I know now I am rabling, but I lack the time to sit down and actually paraphrase this.) The US that didn't work, that never did work. The US that wanted a happy home for our son. I think I may see it more than him that we are not able to provide that happy home for our boy, but enough time away from the chaos and I think he will see it also. Maybe then will he not be so angry. I hope so. For Zach's sake. I want zach to be able to look up to Bill that way that every son deserves to look at their dad... The way Bill was not able to.
We'll see what the next few months brings us. I pray for peace, humility, strength, clarity, and love. More than anything; Love. I hope that our love for our Boy will overcome any Lawyer, any court order, any judge. That we will always keep him as the main goal in this confusing time.
And Zach, know that your Mama will always love you more than anything. So will your Dad. Us splitting up has absolutely nothing to do with you. You are what made our love grow, we are what tore it apart. I love you, baby. You will always ne my baby, and I will always be your mama.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
I was at your place a couple of weeks ago when Laurie was babysitting, it is so cute, I love how you've decorated it. Zack was really enteraining, he is so sweet. It's good to hear how you are doing, it will all get easier and better with time. Love ya, Laura
Post a Comment