"Un"ited....we stood....

Divorce. It is so, so ugly, so heart breaking, so telling. They say you never know someone until you divorce them. I guess that is true. I think the worst is over, the worst as in the heart breaking part. As far as Bill goes, anyway. Zach on the other hand is a different story. I thought I had to work hard at being a good Mama before, but now it seems to have doubled. It is so hard to put your anger and hurt aside when trying to raise a happy and healthy boy. But you do it. You do it because it is your job, because it is not about you anymore. I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to kick and scream like a 2 year old when dealing with this divorce. Dealing with my "partner." Or how I have dreams of driving off into the desert, never to be seen again. And though I say these crazy things, I would never actually do them. You learn that these tests are what will, in the end, make you not only a better parent, but a better person.
The worst part is the heavy guilt that you carry around. I can't tell you how many times I have thought to myself 'Maybe this is a selfish decision, maybe I can stick it out for 16 or so more years so that Zach knows what it's like to have 2 parents together.' But it's then that I realize he never had 2 parents together. That the selfish decision would be to raise Zach in an unhappy home just so that I didn't carry around the guilt. It's so hard, these decisions. These decisions that affect the rest of my babes life.
Will I ever stop"loving" Bill? No. Was it hard to move on? Absolutely. Letting go of what I knew I wanted my whole life, actually thinking for a brief moment that I had it...that was hard. I sure have learned through all of this to go with your gut instinct, and to trust yourself.
I can't say that the hardest part is over, I think that will come in 5 years or so. But I do realize that because of my decisions, it is Zach that will pay. I hate that. I wish that I could take every ounce of pain that Zach will endure from this and put it on me. Instead of wishing, I do know that I will do everything I can do to raise a strong, happy, optimistic, humble, loving boy. I do know that this I can do.
Regardless of how Bill feels about me, I do know he loves his boy. Now we have to work on raising him 'together' as much as possible. Please, a miracle?

Zacha, I promise this will all be OK. I promise because I am your mama, and you are my baby. I promise because you are what gets me out of bed everyday with a smile. I promise because you've changed me, and you deserve to see the world as I do now.