a year later...

A year later I sit here...wondering how I made it. Not that its over, this may even be the calm before the storm. But I'm here, I'm still me, and I'm stronger. I can't tell how much I have learned in the last year. How much I have seen a change in myself. I feel as I am living again. Some days ase still difficult, some days I still may even cry. I feel guilty at times that Zachs family is seoarated, but I finally know that well be ok. I know that I have the strength of a thousand men. I didn't know that last year. Today almost marks the day that I thought I was losing everything, that WE were losing everything. Everything that I had worked do damn hard for;only to see that not only was zach getting his mom back, but I got me back. I thought I would come out of this with a hardened heart but I was wrong. I came out knowing that I was just with the wrong person. it still hurts and I doubt myself sometimes; but I know that I made the right decision. Only to prove to myself that down the road I know I have what it takes to be the mama I want to be, like the mama that I have. And still, I can smile through the pain that the last year has brought; knowing that the next 365 days will bring me to 2 years from all of this. Looking back, knowing that I can take on any storm life sends my way. Zach- you are (not so much anymore) my baby and I am your mama(always).

"Un"ited....we stood....

Divorce. It is so, so ugly, so heart breaking, so telling. They say you never know someone until you divorce them. I guess that is true. I think the worst is over, the worst as in the heart breaking part. As far as Bill goes, anyway. Zach on the other hand is a different story. I thought I had to work hard at being a good Mama before, but now it seems to have doubled. It is so hard to put your anger and hurt aside when trying to raise a happy and healthy boy. But you do it. You do it because it is your job, because it is not about you anymore. I can't tell you how many times I have wanted to kick and scream like a 2 year old when dealing with this divorce. Dealing with my "partner." Or how I have dreams of driving off into the desert, never to be seen again. And though I say these crazy things, I would never actually do them. You learn that these tests are what will, in the end, make you not only a better parent, but a better person.
The worst part is the heavy guilt that you carry around. I can't tell you how many times I have thought to myself 'Maybe this is a selfish decision, maybe I can stick it out for 16 or so more years so that Zach knows what it's like to have 2 parents together.' But it's then that I realize he never had 2 parents together. That the selfish decision would be to raise Zach in an unhappy home just so that I didn't carry around the guilt. It's so hard, these decisions. These decisions that affect the rest of my babes life.
Will I ever stop"loving" Bill? No. Was it hard to move on? Absolutely. Letting go of what I knew I wanted my whole life, actually thinking for a brief moment that I had it...that was hard. I sure have learned through all of this to go with your gut instinct, and to trust yourself.
I can't say that the hardest part is over, I think that will come in 5 years or so. But I do realize that because of my decisions, it is Zach that will pay. I hate that. I wish that I could take every ounce of pain that Zach will endure from this and put it on me. Instead of wishing, I do know that I will do everything I can do to raise a strong, happy, optimistic, humble, loving boy. I do know that this I can do.
Regardless of how Bill feels about me, I do know he loves his boy. Now we have to work on raising him 'together' as much as possible. Please, a miracle?

Zacha, I promise this will all be OK. I promise because I am your mama, and you are my baby. I promise because you are what gets me out of bed everyday with a smile. I promise because you've changed me, and you deserve to see the world as I do now.

It's been too long...

Because I don't have internet access at home, and normally I blog at work but due to layoff's everywhere...I have not found this at the top of my to do list. But...I got here a little bit early this morning.



So many things have happened since I last blogges. Some good, some bad and some horrible. But mostly good. I have finally gotten to the point I saw coming a long time ago. I am filing for divorce. I have thought, prayed, sought advice, and my head, heart, and anything else that gives me direction is pointing me this way. This last month has been one of the most trying times in my life; as well as one of the most freeing. I have finally let a huge weight off of my shoulders knowing what is going to happen. The past 6 mos I have been drug through the mud in my so called marriage. I do, I don't, I do I don't. I can't do it anymore. I can't base my life on maybe's. I won't. I have finally found the person I was before Bill, before Zach, and before the hurt. I found that I am not able to be who I really am with Bill. It doesn't work. I do not want my son to be raised by someone who is not true. I am funny, Zach has got to know that. Some of my greatest, most fondest memories growing up are of us kids laughing with our mom. Thinking, knowing how lucky we are to have this silly, loving, carefree mom. He deserves that. And now. He has that.
Divorce is such an ugly, heart-wrenching, horrible thing. The lawyers, papers, the judge, mediation, all of it. All of this with some you once said" I do. Always. For better and for Worse." Well, this is the 'worse.' It's crazy, really. In the midst of all the fighting, crying, throwing, in all of this tangled mess, why is it then that you realize that 'Yes, you do love this person.' I remember a friend telling me in the middle of this, that yes, you can love someone with all of your heart, with every inch of your soul, but not always can you live with that person. Ohhh.....if we had all the answers. So, here we are 6 days away from our one year anniversary; signing divorce papers. Splitting up visitation(ugh), child support, he said-she said, and yet one year ago we swore we would never be here. I hate so say this, even think it for that matter; but I do feel a huge weight lifted off my life. Not Bill. Just "US" in general. (I know now I am rabling, but I lack the time to sit down and actually paraphrase this.) The US that didn't work, that never did work. The US that wanted a happy home for our son. I think I may see it more than him that we are not able to provide that happy home for our boy, but enough time away from the chaos and I think he will see it also. Maybe then will he not be so angry. I hope so. For Zach's sake. I want zach to be able to look up to Bill that way that every son deserves to look at their dad... The way Bill was not able to.

We'll see what the next few months brings us. I pray for peace, humility, strength, clarity, and love. More than anything; Love. I hope that our love for our Boy will overcome any Lawyer, any court order, any judge. That we will always keep him as the main goal in this confusing time.

And Zach, know that your Mama will always love you more than anything. So will your Dad. Us splitting up has absolutely nothing to do with you. You are what made our love grow, we are what tore it apart. I love you, baby. You will always ne my baby, and I will always be your mama.

An update

It's been a while since I blogged last, I do like to keep this somewhat recent. Maybe this great weather has been keeping me away from he computer. This was a short, so-cal winter; but I have to say I am glad to see the sunshine. And I can't wait for the 4th of July, being in La Verne again. Every year I count down to his Holiday, like a child counting down the days to Christmas with an Advent calendar. I don't know why, but ever since I was little it has been my favorite. The beat-hot sun, BBQ's, fireworks, and my all time favorite parade. Now, living in La Verne I can watch this all from my front yard. I can't wait!
Bill and I have decided to work things out. Decided we want to. Both equally. He feels that we should look for a new place, "together." At first I was hesitant-to say the least. I mean, I searched and searched for this place, worked so hard to get it. And, I did. On my own. And, to give it up? Give all of this up? Well that's what I thought. I even said it out loud. "Give all of this up?" But then I heard myself. About an hour later it came to me. " Give all of this up? For who? It's not for me. I would be giving it all up for Zach. And my marriage." I know that if Bill were to move into my place, I would carry around resentment like a bag of rocks. I feel a sense f ownership, it's mine. Not "Ours." I had eft this task up to him, to find a place and do all the footwork. But I just couldn't help myself. If I saw a sign, I was dialing for dollars. I couldn't believe the prices people are asking. And, we're renting, people! 1700.00 for a 1000 sq. ft. house, come on. We're in La Verne, but this is not Beverly Hills. Finally, I found one for 1100.00. 2 Br, a den, washer and dryer hooks ups, and it's affordable! Oh. My. Gosh. This place looked like it was straight from the Holocaust. It was a joke. The floors were crooked, the bedrooms were more like a good sized pantry, and the den would make a nice coat closet. Please. Then I found one right on Bonita. In downtown. Affordable, 300 sq ft larger than mine now, washer and dryer hookups. ( If you know me and Bill, you would know how important this is. One of our biggest arguments is laundry.) We went together to look at it and fell in love with it. It is perfect. It was built in 1956 so it has the character of an old home, with updates where it was needed. The kitchen is my favorite part. It reminds me of my great grandmas kitchen. I can just see us having breakfast in the bright, sunny dining room. If we get it, you can all come over and watch the parade from out front yard!
I am glad things are looking brighter. I know Zach can see it also. Although, things have gotten easier, I will never forgot the strength I was forced to find. I like knowing that I accomplished what I did, and was able to make it out stronger. That gives me a sense and feeling that I am in this because I really want to be; not because I have to. I think it is good that Bill saw me do it on my own also. I think he now sees me with a different respect than before; and knows that should I be forced to be on my own, I will survive. So, keeping my fingers that all works out with this house. And, should it fall through; it was obviously not meant to be. Oh, but I do hope we get it!!

The love dare, and my silly monkey

I haven't blogged in a while. Life seems to be speeding up by the second, and I haven't really found the time to collect many thoughts. This week has just flown by. The weather has been such a relief lately. I don't particularly mind the rain, but days seem to drag as Zach can't get outside. Bill and I took him to Disneyland on Sunday. Throughout the last year we have had many Disneyland trips, but just the last few has Zach really enjoyed it. I wonder what goes through his little mind when he see's the characters we read about and see in the Disney movies. He hasn't seen much of Winnie the Pooh, but has taken a liking to him. I don't think he really gets that Pooh's name doesn't have anything to do with poo-poo. He says poo-poo throughout the ride and even scrunches up his nose when he says it. It's so funny. I remember being so deathly afraid of the Haunted Mansion, and Pirates ( Ok, I was a huuuuge baby) but it doesn't seem to bother him. Maybe next year it will hit him. Zach loves Pirates and "rawrrs" at them throughout the ride. It is so fun to see how our babes react to things, which ones they like, and which ones they most definitely don't. I really can't believe how fast he is growing. It seems the last month he has become a "big boy." I'm not really used to it. I find myself helping him with things I know he can do, only to be reminded "Stop, me." ( Stop, I can do it.) Then, I sit and watch in amazement. Not that he can do it, but that he doesn't want me to help. I see a healthy balance, and I am glad for that. He has the independence, but still needs me to kiss his "owie's." He helps me cook, and loves to "stir-it-up", he knows to put his blocks away before bed, and enjoys doing it. I see a sense of accomplishment in his face when he is done. He brings me diapers and wipes when he needs a change, oh and one for shrek too. Shrek needs his poo-poo changed also. He says "eeeeiiiiwwww" to shreks poop, as if it is worse than his! We're going through a clingy stage right now, which in the moments of this static-cling I could run and lock myself in the bathroom, but in hind sight I wouldn't have it any other way. I know that he will be a more confident and self assured person because of it. And I know I will look back and cherish these times. At bedtime after he sneakily has convinced me to read 3 books instead of one, he knows after lights out and prayers mama's out of there. So, while we are lying down doing prayers, his hand is on my head the whole time. If I try to raise it, it's "NO, TOP." Then we say prayers again, and it's bed time. I think of these times now that I am writing them down and I noticed I have had a smile on my face the whole time. That's what this boy does to me.

On another note; I am doing the "Love Dare." This http://thelovedarebook.com/ book is featured in the movie "Fireproof." It's about a couples marriage that is seemingly over. This was their last attempt at saving their relationship. A friend of mine bought me the book and I am going to give this one last shot. It is similar to a journal, and on each page there is a "love dare." I know, it sounds really cheesy but hey, if cheese can help save my marriage, I'm ok with it. Really though, when you get into the book it's not cheesy. The first day's dare was to be patient. Demonstrate patience and don't say one negative word of negativity to your spouse all day. If you feel the need to, don't say anything. So, we'll see. I encourage anyone who is hanging to their marriage by a thread like I am, to try it. Or, if you simply want to strengthen your marriage. It basically is teaching you unconditional love. So, I will check back in. Maybe I will do my entries on here. We'll see.

Zach-a-boo, I love you.

I'm and Ogre...

I haven't posted about Zach in a while. And, well, that kid is just too funny these days not to document it. Everyday he seems to change and grow in some way. He is talking more, but still realizes that I will figure out whatever it is he is trying to say, therefore pointing works. This boy just has a way about him, I swear he was an old man in his past life; or something like that.
I love hearing his new words. My mom got him a "Shrek" doll that says phrases from the movie. One of them says "I'm an Ogre", and Shrek has that silly accent, you know. So, Zach has picked up the accent along with the words. He says" I'm an Oga." It is so cute. It's amazing what those little voices can do for our soul.
Each day feels like a journey we have set out to conquer together. A team. I never expected mama hood to bring to my life what it has. I knew it would be so, so good. But this? This is more than one could ever ask for. The thing is, your whole life you can build your character, the person you are, but never could you imagine the person you are after(and during, of course) mama hood. I know I am still new to this, and I have many, many years to go; but I am talking what I have learned so far. So much of what I learn if from Zach. Each day I learn from him. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Are the best teachers our children? They teach patience, discipline, kindness, compassion, endurance, and so much more. I thank God everyday for this wonderful life I am living. I really, honestly, would not trade it for all of the money in the world. Or anything else for that matter. I am a happy mama, raising a happy babe. I am sure most mama's can relate to this- but do you even remember life before our babes? I am sure you remember it, but does it seem even half as important as life now? Did your relationship with your husband seem to have as much meaning as it does now? Even family, did family mean as much as it does now? In my life my family and friends always were number one. But now, it's even more important because I want Zach to value those relationships as I did.
I wish I could freeze these moments in time. The times I watch you sharing so kindly, or discovering just how many blocks it takes to make the tower fall. And your face when it does fall. Your face when you wake up and see that Shrek is cold and needs a blanket, and how quickly you come to his rescue. Watching you so carefully choose the right crayon color. ( will you be like your mama with colors?) Seeing your little brain jump from one thing to another and knowing exactly where it is going. Dancing in the kitchen, and reaching out to hold my hands the second you hear the first note of music. All of these things are what makes you; you. And, all of these things are what have now, made me; me. Me as a mama. I do still have that girl in me though, she's still there. I know it because she comes out every now and then. I found her somewhere. I was really starting to think that part of me was gone. But no, I found a lot of those things I thought were missing. I knew that if they were gone, I wouldn't have everything I wanted to instill in Zach. I want him to know that his mama is funny, and silly, and immature at times, and I just want him to always see me. Me who I always have been. I still have some of the insecurities I had before, and I still get hurt. I still don't always make the right decisions. I'm even wrong sometimes. ( I know, seems hard to believe, but really I am.) But I am a whole person again. Even though my half is gone. I am a happy, whole person. I know who I am. I know where I stand, and where I don't. I know that I don't have to look like a grand prix model to be worth something. (there is a story to that, grand prix model didn't come out of no where) I am who I am, standing firm on the things I believe, standing firm knowing I am doing a good job.
Zach, you are my baby and I am your mama. Thank you for always showing me what is really important. I love you more than anything.

I read in a friends blog that she writes down the things she is grateful for when life seems difficult...I think I will give it a try.



1.My monka

2.My job

3. La Verne, and La Verne feeling like home even though my 'house' does not

4. My Mom, for more things that the web has space to contain

5. Park Days

6. My family

7. My great, great friends

8. Books

9. Funny children's books than make you wonder where on earth the writer comes up with this stuff

10. old music that brings me back to high school days

11. My grandma, she is the one person right now that makes everything seem o.k.

12. Fridays, and Saturdays, and Sundays

13. Old Door's albums

14. Pictures

15. Memories of growing up, and knowing that these people will be in my life forever

16. Understanding that life changes

17. Time spent playing with Zach, not thinking of anything else in the world

18. Blue jean baaaby, L.A. Lady, she was a seamstress for the band....This song

19. Music, Music, Music





Whenever I think I am moving on from this sticky mess, something pulls me back in. Maybe it's that I really don't want to move on. Moving on would mean my feelings would change. My feelings changing would mean that this would all be over. This being over would mean that I no longer have a husband. WHY is this so hard? Why is it getting hard all over again? Why can't I just wake up and be OK? I've been angry, sad, forgiving...aren't those the three steps? Am I missing one? I don't want to sound like Debby downer, but the whole point of this blog, for me, is to document my life. I want to be able to look back and remember my feelings during different points in my life. And, I am sure that someday my posts will be happier. But for now, bear with me.

I walk around each day in a haze. Last week I felt more like myself than I ever had, now I feel the complete opposite. I hate this up and down. Is this why people start taking medication? If so, I now understand. That was something I swore I would never do, unless I absolutely had to. Not that I am there now, but I have a clearer understanding of them. I try each day to just look at the positive, reassure myself that everything will work out, either way. Rent will get payed, Zach will eat, and my car payment will be sent in. It all will work out.



I go back and forth between my feelings for Bill. Is he ok? He's an a%@ Hole. I miss him. He's a jerk. God, is he ok? Screw him. It's really a strange feeling. Right now I have such strong feelings of hate, as well as love. It wasn't all bad, was it? A lot was my fault too,right? I wish someone had the answers. I wish I knew the outcome so that I would just be able to move in that direction. But, I guess I won't know until I am there. When I am though, I will be stronger, wiser, and a better person for all of it. I want to write here, in case there comes a time when I forget, or if Zach ever wonders if his Dad and i really loved each other; how much I do. How much I want things to work out. That you, Zach, were always our number one priority. The odds were against is from day one, and we wanted to give you a family. Somewhere along the line we fell in love, and we fell hard. If things don't end up coming together it was not your fault. We both love you more than we know how to love anyone else. We loved each other more than we knew how to. We tried, and tried and tried. Love was the one thing we were not lacking. I do believe that Bill was my soul mate. Maybe this is true. This is an excerpt from the book "Eat, Pray, Love" It's a man talking to the writer about what he thinks a soul mate is...

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over, Groceries. David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job and he did great but now it’s over…”

Either way, Zach, we love you. Bill, I love you. This will get easier for all of us. In time. In this time I am making this vow to myself. To never use the angry words that cut like a knife, or to intentionally hurt you.

And it moved me to my soul...

I sat and watched, mostly in tears, the Inauguration of Barack Obama. If I was so moved by this just while sitting in my living room I can only imagine what those 2 million people were feeling yesterday. Yesterday we made history. Everyone. We did it together. We pulled together and erased what has been written for years past. Why did it take this long? Many reasons I guess; but that doesn't matter anymore. Here we are at the brink of a new beginning. Our children will grow up in a world different that we, a more positive and promising world. You know the song :" I believe the children are our future; teach them well and let them lead the way." I always loved that song, but sometimes it seemed so far off. We as parents can teach our children what we feel is right: honesty, equality, morality, liberality, etc. But how far can that go when they are locked down by the complete opposite of that? (Pres. Bush comes to mind, or ex I should say)
I know things are not going to change over night, but I am truly convinced that this world WILL be different for them in the years to come.
I had such a feeling of pride yesterday watching this moment in history, watching the face of a man that does breathe hope through the lungs of our country. That feeling of pride came from knowing that history does not always have to repeat itself. There is the ability for this great country to be what we all know that it can and should be.
If I have to hear one more ignorant remark about this, I have to say that I would like to pack them up and ship them right over to the war that they are supporting. And leave them. Forever.

A picture is worth a thousand words...

New friends, life long family.....

Mama and Baby...

My cowboy....

Oh, this is a good one....

Summer days....

I don't remember Zach EVER looking like this...

This was my absolute favorite for a while....

This was about a month after he was born...notice how tired my eyes are

and again, whoops

just hours after....

look at his little mouth....

He still makes that face...

Oh, pre-baby days...

This was the day my stomach just all of a sudden popped out...






These are all completely out of order, but a few of my favorites. I never have the time, or computer to upload photos. So, here are a few.

Recovery:

re·cov·er·y
(r-kv-r)
n. pl. re·cov·er·ies
1. The act, process, duration, or an instance of recovering.
2. A return to a normal condition.
3. Something gained or restored in recovering.
4. The act of obtaining usable substances from unusable sources.

I went to Church this Sunday; after far, far too long. I've been kind of the (not literally) anti Christ lately. With all of this talk around my parts; my sister has been on this kick for a while lately. That's beside the point though. I have never felt so far from God lately; something rare for me. I know that i want Zach brought up knowing God, Church, etc; so I took him to Sunday school. He loved it. I easily let him into the care of someone else; something I had not planned on. Sitting in Church the Pastor said that the "word" of 2009 is Recovery. They had my attention. God thinks he's so funny. I think they were talking more along the lines of recovering your faith; but maybe that's my first step. It is hard to have faith when you feel like you have no walls left to knock down, like every desirable road had been washed away; but I do still have that "light at the end of the tunnel" i.e., Zach. What do I need to recover? Well for a start: My finances, my heart, my perception, my anger,my idea that there IS such thing as a successful marriage, and once again, my finances. Not my strength; I've built that. Not my endurance; well maybe my endurance. No, no. Not that.
Well, there are many things in my life that need recovery . One step at a time I am finding works best. Some days feel like I am running a race each day (maybe that's where endurance comes from) just trying to get to the end of the day. Good days and bad days, each night ends with a big hug and kiss from my babe. Those fifteen minutes I lay in bed with him reading and saying prayers act as a chalk board eraser; erasing all of the bad that may have incurred that day. That's when I know I'm OK. Bruised, but OK.
Who knows what 2009 will bring, some times I wish I knew, other times not. Looking back on the past years I know two things: There were many good times that will never, ever leave my memory. 2: The bad times are quickly fading from my memory; leaving me with an almost clear canvas. I will always love Bill, regardless of what happens. He gave me what I love most. He was good to me most of the time, he gave me the option to be home with my babe in those crucial moments. I know that once there was true love, not "mature" true love. But definitely true love. But like they say "Just cause you love 'em, it don't mean ya can live with 'em."

Anyway, I wish everyone a truly happy 2009. If recovery is in your agenda, I wish you the strength. If not for you, maybe pass it on to someone else that does need it.
To my light: You are my baby, and I am your mama. I love you more than you know. And that's a lot, very very much. As Bill and I would say: One million!