They say what doesn't kill will only make you stronger...

But day after day that seems harder and harder to believe. Each day seems like I can't face what letdowns tomorrow will bring. I think for the most part I have been pretty strong. Only letting a tear fall when Zach isn't within arms reach. Each day I think i have cried the last tear only to be reminded that my feelings don't completely shut down. Although I wish I had that power that Bill so easily taps into when needed. I find myself asking the same questions day after day. I feel like at some point I need to wake up from this horrible nightmare and have it all over with . I want to look over in the middle of the night and see him. Why is it that you don't know what you've got til it's gone? 

I know that some day these feelings will be gone. I know it will get easier. I know someday I will be able to think about it without crying, but why does that day seem so far? Every day I carry around so much guilt that we are doing the same thing our parents did to us. I look at Zach and it just kills me. I wish we would have thought clearly about all of this before we acted so childish. 

So, each day I will go on hoping to become stronger than the last;  I don't think I can really take any more low blows. I am already scraping up the pieces as best I can. 

But, more than anything I have Zach. Each day ends with me thanking God, whoever he is, that I have who I gave life to; yet he really breathes the life right back into me. When there seems like there is no end to this mess, he is the one light at the end of the tunnel.  Each night when we say our prayers, I assure him that no matter where we are, no matter what; I will always be here. His mama will always be here. 

You are my baby, and I am your mama. I love you, my ray of light, more that you will ever understand. 

2 years ago today...

I woke up having the worst contractions. Tomorrow was my due date. I knew today was the day, or so I thought. It was a Monday and I already had a Dr. appt. scheduled. I took a shower, and I remember needing Bill to put lotion on my legs because I couldn't reach them. This morning seemed to drag on forever, I could feel the tightness in my belly like a starting gun in a race. I was worried that baby was going to fall out. Seriously, I was. After all of the horrifying stories of girls giving birth in a toilet, or in the car on the way to the hospital; I so cautiously took a shower. When we got to the Dr., I was sure that he would check me and have me rushed by an ambulance to the nearest hospital. Well, it didn't happen quite like that. Since he had already scheduled me to be induced the next day ( which I so so so did not want) , my due date; he told me to just go home and time my contractions. I was only dilated to one centimeter. Same as last week. When they were 4 minutes apart, call him and head over to the hospital. So, Bill dropped me off at my mom's and my sister and I timed contractions all day. As much pain as I was in, looking back on this day brings so much happiness to me. Maybe the comfort of being back at my mom's, maybe being with my sister for such an important time, I don't know. But it does. We timed them all day, some hours worse than others. Then Jess came over. I remember this because she and Ali just found it so ridiculous that I was singing during contractions. I don't know why I was, I don't usually burst out in tune. But it took my mind off my pain. I was very lucky to have them both there. ( Jess is my sister's best friend, since birth, and also like my own little sister) We went back to my house around 4 , and later my mom came. Same story, singing, contractions, etc. I did forget to add that these two silly girls were making fun of me so bad at one point for singing that I finally realized how ridiculous I must have looked that I started laughing so hard and peed my pants. Around 6 P.m. they called Bill to come home from work. It was time!

We headed over to the hospital and they checked me again, let me tell you, (sorry to sound so graphic) it's not pretty. I had about 4 or 5 different hands inside me in one night. Not fun. They were going to send me back home since I hadn't changed much but since I had to be back at 5 A.M, they admitted me. That night was so rough, but Bill was there every minute of it. I am not going to go into every detail, just the ones that stick out in my mind.

I didn't go in there thinking I was going to get the epidural, I wanted to do it all natural. Yeah, right! I finally decided to get it, and I was so scared. I think I was actually more worried about this needle in my back than the actual child birth! I will never forget the nurse that was in there at the time. The anesthesiologist was rude and was telling me NOT to move! But, how can I sit still when I am having these contractions? I just imagined him putting it in and getting a huge one starting at the same time, the needle going in wrong and just being paralyzed for life. Well, I was OK. But that nurse was so kind, and I remember her looking into my eyes to calm me down. I don't know why I remember that part so clearly. After that had kicked in, I was in tears I was so happy. I felt so much better. The rest of the night progressed quickly, and the next morning my whole family was there.

At about 3 p.m., I had woken up from a nap and told the nurse that I felt A LOT of pressure, like I had to go to the bathroom. She just said that it was normal and would check me again in a minute. I told her No, I think you need to check me NOW! She did, and sure enough I, was completely dilated and ready to go. I pushed for about an hour. It's crazy to think about now, I don't even remember the pain. I just remember thinking " I can't do this anymore." But there was no going back. I remember his head almost out because I could see on Bill's face when he saw him come, then go, then he was out. And soon I was looking at what we had been waiting for, for 9 months. He was here. All we had talked about him looking like, how big he would be, would he look like me or Bill? Well, there was no more wondering. We were looking at him. I'll never forget the look on his face when I saw him for the first time. His little puffy eyes, and pursed mouth. I can't even find words to describe the feeling. Love a t first sight. It was so emotional, and I had really proved myself to, well, myself. I did it. I took what had been dealt, and I did it. I I felt like such a woman. I now shared something in common with all the women I had looked up to all of my life. I had a child. I was a mama. I really love how that sounds. Even in mid-conversation now, I will hear myself refer to "my son" and just smile.

After Zach was born, it seemed like like there were 40 people in my room. Maybe there was, I don't know. All I know is that I had what I dreamed about having my entire life. Those next few hours and days in the hospital bring back such great memories. The juice and crackers. The peacefulness of the nights. All of it. I would love to go back and re-live those 4 days again, not in hopes to do it differently, but to savor each moment of it.
When we left for home, I think we both felt complete. We had done this together, and it felt right. We had just experienced something neither of us had ever experienced with anyone else, and we were a family. Just the three of us, our own family.

Looking back brings feelings of accomplishment, change, excitement, and most of all love. We have built such peaceful memories in these last two years. Memories of the three of us. Bill and I still ask each other how we made such an amazing boy. To us, he is our world. Watching him grow is unbelievable. Things that most wouldn't think twice about, is what we find ourselves laughing about during a 'romantic' dinner. And, as much as we teach him, I think he will teach us far more than ABC's, and 123's.
This journey I call mama hood is the hardest Job I never even knew I would get, but let me tell you; it is by far the most rewarding job I could ever be hired for. I was talking to a friend yesterday and she was saying how she was really wanting kids, but after the birthday party she said she could "chill on kids for a while." She said she saw that it is a constant job, and she doesn't think she is ready for that yet. Are we ever ready? I don' t think anything can prepare a new mother for what is ahead of her. But you do it. You just do it. No matter the circumstances. And you do it well. You get the hang of it. I tried explaining it to her yesterday, but I couldn't . You can't "explain" how your ears wake you up in the middle of a great sleep because the baby is awake, or how you learn the quickest way to blow dry your hair with a 2 year old hanging on your leg, or how you go until 4 pm without eating, simply because you forgot. Or how all of this is ok, how it doesn't bother you. It is life, your life. Most importantly, how nothing else matters half as much as your family. Peoples opinions of you go out the window. Your babies look to you like you are the only person that exists, and in that very moment, you know that they are the mere reason that your existence is so very important. I know that now, Bill and Zach are my light at every end, of every tunnel. Some days I see more tunnels that expected, but that's OK. I come out stronger, more accomplished, and with a little bit more patience.

Zachy, "You are my baby, and I am your Mama. "
I love you very, very much.


P.s. Please excuse the fact that just about every post is about being a mom, that seems to be the only thing that moves me to write lately.

A very long, but fun weekend

Well this weekend went just as planned, with just a few minor melt-downs. Which is surprising-considering they have been happening pretty frequently around these parts. Friday, Halloween, was so much more fun than I had expected. This year was much easier than last. Maybe due to having this whole "mama thing" down a little bit better. I worked on his costume up until about 3 hours before him needing to wear it. Luckily it was a slow day at work. :) It came out better than I thought, and even had a few hours left to put some extra detail into it.

We met our friends Tim, Amy, Mason and Owen at the Downtown La Verne Trick or Treat deal they have. Zach had so much fun getting candy and putting only about every other piece in his mouth. I swear, he sat down every two stores to do inventory on his candy. It was so cute. He is such a charmer, I think we may have trouble from this one. Mason and Owen had a great time too, and they all play so nice with each other. They even shared their candy, sort of. Amy had a great idea with the wagon, I might try that next year. Normally Zach is just dying to get out of his stroller, and the one day I want him to walk, he didn't want out! He realized it was easier to eat his candy IN the stroller.

After downtown we went to Grandmas to have dinner. Zach didn't have very much of an appetite after so much Halloween candy. When it got dark, we went back out. For some more candy. All in all, it was such a fun night.

On Saturday we had Zach's 2nd birthday party. I can't believe it has been another year! He is not quite 2, and this week I am savoring these last few moments of this birthday year. It is always bittersweet this time of year. Each day he is learning something new, and as much as I love this; I still find myself hanging onto the baby years. It is unbelievable to me to think that just 2 years ago, I was child-less. It seems like there was never a time that I didn't know and love him. Some days seem to never end, but when I look back; I am constantly wondering where the time went. It really teaches you to just enjoy this time. Just slow down. Take it in stride.

I watched Zach play at his party, playing so nicely with the other kids. It feels so good to know that I am raising such a sweet boy. I remember my mom always telling us how polite our friends parents said that we were when we would stay for dinner, sleep over, etc. I am beginning to know the feeling she got when hearing that. I love to just sit back and watch him when he is his own person, away from me. He shares, smiles, and try to be helpful. I see that I am doing a good job with him. I always knew I wanted to raise a boy with the morals my mom set before us. Not necessarily a braniac, athlete, politician, or scientist. But, someone who is honest, thoughtful,confident, and caring. I want to raise a man who will be a good Father, and Husband. I think I am heading in the right direction. Thanks to my great Mom.

So, as we head into another year, I am so thankful for the guidance I have had through my years which had given me the ability to be the person, wife, and mother I am today. I look forward to watching my baby grow into the person he is, and will be. And I will always keep my promise to show him different roads, but let him chose which one to walk down.

"You are my baby, and I am your Mama."

I love you Zach.

My great friend Amy took all these great pics! Thank gooodness for her, as our camera is broken.

Zach's Costume

Well, since I am the infamous procrastinator , I am just now beginning the sewing of Zach's costume. So far, I have one chap done, and 5 needles later I am beginning on the second chap. Still have the vest and some finishing touches to do. I really can get lost in sewing. I forgot how relaxing, and meditative it is. Even the sound of the machine is soothing. And homemade costumes, blankets, clothes, etc., are just the best. 

It'll be midnight before I get to bed, but today was a great day. I got so much done for the party and really can't wait to see all of our friends and family. (Minus the Brandlers :(   ) Ethan's Bday party is on the same day, but we will be thinking of him. 

I am off to attempt to get at least 5 hours of sleep. I will have to call Laura tomorrow to see what the heck is going on with my machine. ( Laura, if you read this, my bobbin keeps spitting out a bunch of thread and I think that is why my needle is breaking. It's almost like it's getting jammed. Any ideas? I can bring it over if you don't get wat I mean. Thank you! ;)

Happy Birthday, Aimee

I am slowly in the process of a b-day present for Aimee...planned for it to be done by the actual date but it's looking like she may get it at my babes birthday party. Anyway, I thought now would be a good time to write about this person.

I'll start at the beginning. I met Aimee when I was pregnant with Zach. At this time, my "friends" decided my life was just way too different to carry on our friendship and I felt like the world had fallen from under me. Bill and I were trying to work out the kinks in our relationship and all was seeming so confusing. 

I remember it was in August when we met. Or maybe late July. I remember because I had been at Laura's all day sewing a blanket for my nephew. I remember this day so clearly. I don't know why. It was a Friday and Bill said we were not going to do anything. So, no makeup, no hair-did, nothing. last minute Bill calls and says he wants me to come meet some of his friends. What!? Now? I'm not ready, I can't go. Well, Bill insisted and I went. Prior to this, anytime I went out, it was a huge production. Right outfit? Check. Hair? Check. Make up? Check. Entourage?Check. And then, I met these new people. 

It was so different. they weren't like that. They really showed me how important real relationships are. Minus all the crap that doesn't matter ( make up, clothes, hair, etc.)

Aimee was there at Mike's, Knitting. Of course. At the time i didn't understand her obsess...er, love for knitting. She looked so happy, so comfortable. She wasn't trying to impress anyone, it seemed weird. anyone else that occupied the shallow places I used to go to always had an agenda. She didn't. That was clear. She showed so much interest in my pregnancy, in mamahood. ( Little did we know that the beans were soon to be cookin') I just liked her. A lot. i knew she was someone I wanted to know. Some time went by, I had Zach. and life just got in the way. We didn't talk . Then, I think it was when she had her babies, we met again. And that is where the friendship really grew. I think we just understood each other. We could talk about the difficulties we faced in being mamas. The joy of the rare occasions in sleeping past 6 am. First steps, first words. First signs of affection. Aimee is the first person who really understood that feeling when you get your first impromptu kiss. Others said they did, but I KNEW she did. There was no judging. no competing. As I started to get to know her better, she started to just get better and better. 

Aimee is so real, and you know that all you get is honesty from her. She is there to talk me out of my craziness I sometimes find myself in. She's calm. But always Excited, about something. She loves her family more than anything. She really is just the perfect friend.

We always talk about how hard it is to find a good group of girlfriends, and we are so lucky to have found them. Katie, Vee, Alicia, all the porpoises out there! 

I especially feel so blessed to have found another mama-friend. They just get it like most don't. I learn from her, and respect the mama she is. After going for so long not feeling that connection with another friend, I can't say how great it is to have Aimee. And Tim. And definitely Mason and Owen. Really, all of her family. Her parents are the kind of people you hear about, and think ' Why can't there be more people like that?'

Oh! And one more thing. There aren't very many people who understand out undying love for sea creatures!

Aimee, I love you. Thank You for being my friend. You have really helped me in becoming the mom, and Wife I am trying to be. You can find the youth of a teen in yourself , and the wisdom we only hope to have in 50 years. All at the right time.

 Happy Birthday! 

Is this as good as it gets?

Well, speech therapy has begun. And...it is OK. I thought it would be different. A nice lady, well girl actually, came over and just played with Z. It didn't seem like anything I couldn't do, but I am stepping back to learn also. It seemed like she really just announced each action she was doing. "We're putting the pegs inside the bag." Annunciation on inside. I see where we differ here. I would say "Come on Zach, put em in the bag." OK, so maybe I am verbally inept also. Who Knows.

I've had a pretty rough couple of days here. Some days feel as if I am losing it. Wednesday started at the Community Thrift Store, bad idea at nap time. Didn't find what I needed, but found what I didn't need. A brand new pair of pink Pumas for twenty bucks. Cute polo for Z. Bathroom rug, etc. Whatever. Of course Z fell asleep on the somewhat long ride home. Just enough to recharge his batteries. I lay him down in his bed, and like a jack in the box; pop goes the weasel. He's up. I didn't realize how much i rely on his nap time. But I do, a lot. Anyway. I attempted to lay down with him, out of desperation for any type of nap. He does not do well with no nap. I'm still not sure if he ever fell asleep, all I know is that I did. I put toons on, so that kept him occupied at least. We (I?) woke up around 5, was supposed to go to 3 parties. Got dressed. Zach was playing with my keys, I didn't care if he was playing with a kitchen knife ( OK, dramatic but you get it) we just had to get out of there. I heard him put my keys out the mail slot so I knew they were safe from being hidden. Got Zach dressed, we were finally out of there! Or so I thought. Zach didn't put my keys out the mail slot. I didn't know where he put them. I looked. And looked. I asked Zach (as if awaiting an answer) "Where did you put Mommy's keys?" "Zach, where are Mommy's keys?" "ZACH, WHERE ARE MOMMY'S KEYS?" Why did I get so mad? It wasn't his fault. I should have put them on the key rack, just like Bill had said earlier. In the moment you want them to be an adult, just answer the question please, and lets go. I got so mad. I will skip the rest, you can imagine the frustration. Needless to say, and hour and a half later Zach found my keys. Under a pile of clothes I looked under 3 times, I swear. Needless to day, we didn't make it to any party.

It's just been days like this where I feel I am losing my mind. Literally. Zach has been exceptionally fussy lately, and constantly throwing tantrums. I think all together he screamed for 2 hours yesterday. He cried for a cookie for 20 minutes. I tried time out. Still nothing. I finally just gave in and, not gave him the cookie, but held him for a while. I t helped for a minute, but soon we were back to the cookie.
Later that night I attempted to give him a haircut, which resulted in bribing with 2 bags of fruit snacks, and eventually crawling into the tub with him. After the 30 minute haircut, we were done. Needless to say it was a v-e-r-y long day.
I wonder if my husband realizes the hurtles in my day. I try to explain, but I'm not quite sure that he "gets". I shouldn't be complaining because I wouldn't trade it for anything (well, maybe the real- job part, I could do without that;however not financially) I love being home with him, being the one to raise him. But...some days I want to run far, far away.
I am really starting to wonder if after watching every marriage that I knew of fail, If I am next. Maybe it's not in my blood to be different. I wonder if my mind is so set to believe that every marriage fails, if I will cause mine to. Sometimes it seems easier to fight, and not speak to each other. That way we never get any closer, making the fall easier. Things seem so be moving in the right direction, and Boom! We are so consistent in one thing. And it seems one thing only. I wonder if because Zach came so soon into the relationship, that we never built a strong enough foundation for the two of us. I just don't know anymore. Some days I just want out. No I don't. I don't. But I want this to end. I wish I could re-write my past, and not grow up with divorced parents, and almost, every other week divorced-again-parents.
I hope things get better. I do love this man with every piece of me.

Maybe the weekend will bring some peace.

I hope so, because I can not go on like this.

OctoberI

I forgot just how much I love the month of October! I just wish it would cool down a bit...

We took Zach to the Pumpkin Patch yesterday, he had a great time. The first one we went to had a bounce house and a petting Zoo. The petting Zoo was really more of a poop fest than anything, but I think he enjoyed it. The bounce house was fun too, but I now agree with the Bill on his reasoning behind NO bounce house for Z's birthday. You get more than 2 kids in there and you're asking for an accident. We were lucky that there were only little kids bouncin' around. After that we had to take him to the Patch up at Heritage Park. They have a hayride, so much fun! I had forgotten how ridiculously expensive pumpkins were. $25 for a decent sized one at the first patch. 25!! Jeez, there must be something special in there for that price. Anyway, Heritage Park has much better prices. We will buy a big one there.

I just love this time of year, it is the beginning of the Holidays, family, good food, and friends. Each year keeps getting better and better. And to top it all off...dun, dun,dun....Bill said we can start baby makin' soon!! I can't wait!! I am so excited. Zach told Bill he wants a baby sister. Or Brother. ( Believe me, Zach and I worked on that one all day!) :)

So strange to think another year has passed by. Why is it that around this time is when we begin to realize how fast the year flew by?