Zach's Costume

Well, since I am the infamous procrastinator , I am just now beginning the sewing of Zach's costume. So far, I have one chap done, and 5 needles later I am beginning on the second chap. Still have the vest and some finishing touches to do. I really can get lost in sewing. I forgot how relaxing, and meditative it is. Even the sound of the machine is soothing. And homemade costumes, blankets, clothes, etc., are just the best. 

It'll be midnight before I get to bed, but today was a great day. I got so much done for the party and really can't wait to see all of our friends and family. (Minus the Brandlers :(   ) Ethan's Bday party is on the same day, but we will be thinking of him. 

I am off to attempt to get at least 5 hours of sleep. I will have to call Laura tomorrow to see what the heck is going on with my machine. ( Laura, if you read this, my bobbin keeps spitting out a bunch of thread and I think that is why my needle is breaking. It's almost like it's getting jammed. Any ideas? I can bring it over if you don't get wat I mean. Thank you! ;)

Happy Birthday, Aimee

I am slowly in the process of a b-day present for Aimee...planned for it to be done by the actual date but it's looking like she may get it at my babes birthday party. Anyway, I thought now would be a good time to write about this person.

I'll start at the beginning. I met Aimee when I was pregnant with Zach. At this time, my "friends" decided my life was just way too different to carry on our friendship and I felt like the world had fallen from under me. Bill and I were trying to work out the kinks in our relationship and all was seeming so confusing. 

I remember it was in August when we met. Or maybe late July. I remember because I had been at Laura's all day sewing a blanket for my nephew. I remember this day so clearly. I don't know why. It was a Friday and Bill said we were not going to do anything. So, no makeup, no hair-did, nothing. last minute Bill calls and says he wants me to come meet some of his friends. What!? Now? I'm not ready, I can't go. Well, Bill insisted and I went. Prior to this, anytime I went out, it was a huge production. Right outfit? Check. Hair? Check. Make up? Check. Entourage?Check. And then, I met these new people. 

It was so different. they weren't like that. They really showed me how important real relationships are. Minus all the crap that doesn't matter ( make up, clothes, hair, etc.)

Aimee was there at Mike's, Knitting. Of course. At the time i didn't understand her obsess...er, love for knitting. She looked so happy, so comfortable. She wasn't trying to impress anyone, it seemed weird. anyone else that occupied the shallow places I used to go to always had an agenda. She didn't. That was clear. She showed so much interest in my pregnancy, in mamahood. ( Little did we know that the beans were soon to be cookin') I just liked her. A lot. i knew she was someone I wanted to know. Some time went by, I had Zach. and life just got in the way. We didn't talk . Then, I think it was when she had her babies, we met again. And that is where the friendship really grew. I think we just understood each other. We could talk about the difficulties we faced in being mamas. The joy of the rare occasions in sleeping past 6 am. First steps, first words. First signs of affection. Aimee is the first person who really understood that feeling when you get your first impromptu kiss. Others said they did, but I KNEW she did. There was no judging. no competing. As I started to get to know her better, she started to just get better and better. 

Aimee is so real, and you know that all you get is honesty from her. She is there to talk me out of my craziness I sometimes find myself in. She's calm. But always Excited, about something. She loves her family more than anything. She really is just the perfect friend.

We always talk about how hard it is to find a good group of girlfriends, and we are so lucky to have found them. Katie, Vee, Alicia, all the porpoises out there! 

I especially feel so blessed to have found another mama-friend. They just get it like most don't. I learn from her, and respect the mama she is. After going for so long not feeling that connection with another friend, I can't say how great it is to have Aimee. And Tim. And definitely Mason and Owen. Really, all of her family. Her parents are the kind of people you hear about, and think ' Why can't there be more people like that?'

Oh! And one more thing. There aren't very many people who understand out undying love for sea creatures!

Aimee, I love you. Thank You for being my friend. You have really helped me in becoming the mom, and Wife I am trying to be. You can find the youth of a teen in yourself , and the wisdom we only hope to have in 50 years. All at the right time.

 Happy Birthday! 

Is this as good as it gets?

Well, speech therapy has begun. And...it is OK. I thought it would be different. A nice lady, well girl actually, came over and just played with Z. It didn't seem like anything I couldn't do, but I am stepping back to learn also. It seemed like she really just announced each action she was doing. "We're putting the pegs inside the bag." Annunciation on inside. I see where we differ here. I would say "Come on Zach, put em in the bag." OK, so maybe I am verbally inept also. Who Knows.

I've had a pretty rough couple of days here. Some days feel as if I am losing it. Wednesday started at the Community Thrift Store, bad idea at nap time. Didn't find what I needed, but found what I didn't need. A brand new pair of pink Pumas for twenty bucks. Cute polo for Z. Bathroom rug, etc. Whatever. Of course Z fell asleep on the somewhat long ride home. Just enough to recharge his batteries. I lay him down in his bed, and like a jack in the box; pop goes the weasel. He's up. I didn't realize how much i rely on his nap time. But I do, a lot. Anyway. I attempted to lay down with him, out of desperation for any type of nap. He does not do well with no nap. I'm still not sure if he ever fell asleep, all I know is that I did. I put toons on, so that kept him occupied at least. We (I?) woke up around 5, was supposed to go to 3 parties. Got dressed. Zach was playing with my keys, I didn't care if he was playing with a kitchen knife ( OK, dramatic but you get it) we just had to get out of there. I heard him put my keys out the mail slot so I knew they were safe from being hidden. Got Zach dressed, we were finally out of there! Or so I thought. Zach didn't put my keys out the mail slot. I didn't know where he put them. I looked. And looked. I asked Zach (as if awaiting an answer) "Where did you put Mommy's keys?" "Zach, where are Mommy's keys?" "ZACH, WHERE ARE MOMMY'S KEYS?" Why did I get so mad? It wasn't his fault. I should have put them on the key rack, just like Bill had said earlier. In the moment you want them to be an adult, just answer the question please, and lets go. I got so mad. I will skip the rest, you can imagine the frustration. Needless to say, and hour and a half later Zach found my keys. Under a pile of clothes I looked under 3 times, I swear. Needless to day, we didn't make it to any party.

It's just been days like this where I feel I am losing my mind. Literally. Zach has been exceptionally fussy lately, and constantly throwing tantrums. I think all together he screamed for 2 hours yesterday. He cried for a cookie for 20 minutes. I tried time out. Still nothing. I finally just gave in and, not gave him the cookie, but held him for a while. I t helped for a minute, but soon we were back to the cookie.
Later that night I attempted to give him a haircut, which resulted in bribing with 2 bags of fruit snacks, and eventually crawling into the tub with him. After the 30 minute haircut, we were done. Needless to say it was a v-e-r-y long day.
I wonder if my husband realizes the hurtles in my day. I try to explain, but I'm not quite sure that he "gets". I shouldn't be complaining because I wouldn't trade it for anything (well, maybe the real- job part, I could do without that;however not financially) I love being home with him, being the one to raise him. But...some days I want to run far, far away.
I am really starting to wonder if after watching every marriage that I knew of fail, If I am next. Maybe it's not in my blood to be different. I wonder if my mind is so set to believe that every marriage fails, if I will cause mine to. Sometimes it seems easier to fight, and not speak to each other. That way we never get any closer, making the fall easier. Things seem so be moving in the right direction, and Boom! We are so consistent in one thing. And it seems one thing only. I wonder if because Zach came so soon into the relationship, that we never built a strong enough foundation for the two of us. I just don't know anymore. Some days I just want out. No I don't. I don't. But I want this to end. I wish I could re-write my past, and not grow up with divorced parents, and almost, every other week divorced-again-parents.
I hope things get better. I do love this man with every piece of me.

Maybe the weekend will bring some peace.

I hope so, because I can not go on like this.

OctoberI

I forgot just how much I love the month of October! I just wish it would cool down a bit...

We took Zach to the Pumpkin Patch yesterday, he had a great time. The first one we went to had a bounce house and a petting Zoo. The petting Zoo was really more of a poop fest than anything, but I think he enjoyed it. The bounce house was fun too, but I now agree with the Bill on his reasoning behind NO bounce house for Z's birthday. You get more than 2 kids in there and you're asking for an accident. We were lucky that there were only little kids bouncin' around. After that we had to take him to the Patch up at Heritage Park. They have a hayride, so much fun! I had forgotten how ridiculously expensive pumpkins were. $25 for a decent sized one at the first patch. 25!! Jeez, there must be something special in there for that price. Anyway, Heritage Park has much better prices. We will buy a big one there.

I just love this time of year, it is the beginning of the Holidays, family, good food, and friends. Each year keeps getting better and better. And to top it all off...dun, dun,dun....Bill said we can start baby makin' soon!! I can't wait!! I am so excited. Zach told Bill he wants a baby sister. Or Brother. ( Believe me, Zach and I worked on that one all day!) :)

So strange to think another year has passed by. Why is it that around this time is when we begin to realize how fast the year flew by?

6:45 A.M.

I took this driving into work this morning. It's amazing how beautiful and quiet a rock plant can be in the wee hours of the morning.

hmm...

My mom asked me tonight if I posted to the whole world to see that Zach had to be "assessed." Yes, yes I did. It doesn't bother me that he may be 'lacking' in some areas, but soaring in others. My son is sweet, caring, smart, prettyful, and every other good word we use to describe our children. I wouldn't care if someone were to tell me he had no IQ whatsoever. He is my baby. Assess away. I know who and what he is. I don't need a clipboard to tell me that.

I just had to add that, I was thinking about it on the way home. :)

I'm just sittin' here watchin mollasses dry...

Disclaimer: I, in no means have tried to offend anyone who has a child with learning disabilities. At all, whatsoever.







My Tuesday:



"Zach, can you say B-A-L-L?"

"Zach, can you stack these blocks?"

"Zach, can you put these cubes in the cup?"



I'm watching my ' most-smartest-person-in-the-world-two-year-old' play innocently while "Angie" sits with a clipboard watching and, I love this word, assessing. Assessing my son. MY SON. But Zach is the smartest "baby" in the world.



And, this is when it all starts. This is where mama warrior steps in. Up until now I can say it has been easy. Really, I can. He has hit every milestone, mostly hitting them early. He wasn't just crawling, he was army crawling. And when he started walking, he was running. I mean, running! So when his pediatrician noticed there may be a speech delay, I was speech-LESS. I noticed he wasn't talking very much, but I always thought it was because he was a stay at home kid. I didn't see it as much of a problem. No, no, no. ( Amy, this is in our boys no, no, no) It was. So here she sat. Watching. Assessing. Recording. And here I sat. Doubting(myself, not Z). Questioning (again, myself). Stewing.



Angie: "Well, Mrs. Barringer. He only got 1 out of 7."

Me: "Well, he might not copy everything you do. But he does other things. Like, make light of situations when they get too heavy. Like wanting to console every baby he hears crying. Like, knowing just when to say byum, byum. LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE HE DOES!!!!"

(this is why he soared in the Social skills section)

Who wants a copy cat, anyway.



You find yourself backtracking, second quessing. Did I not speak to him enough? Did I not play with him enough? Maybe I wasn't vocal with him enough as an infant. I don't know. For all we know he could be laughing in his head " ha ha, mama. I'm tricking you. I can talk, I don't really want to just yet."



It's very hard to watch your son playing and making new friends with this lady, when really he is being "assessed" to see if he has a learning disability. What ever happened to kids talking when they were ready. Potty training when they were ready. Since when is it deemed a 'learning disability'? Were so quick to push them . Make them grow up faster. When a mother goes past her EDD, mind you that stands for ESTIMATED due date, that day Doc is ready to induce. Why? Does anyone remember that God designed this? When our babies are ready, for anything, they will tell us.

They insisted that he lacked the skills needed to develop his language. I insisted they were wrong. They tried to reassure me that this was very common, and that some babies are just 'slower.' This was all such a shock to me. I thought when they came out to do the assessment they would see that they were wrong. But, they were right, I guess. I'm not a specialist. But I am his mama. And, I want to do what is best for him.



So, after all that...We start next week with an infant specialist. It's free and I figure it can't hurt. As long as I don't see him being pushed too much, or traumatized by the situation. (I know, a little dramatic) What qualifies her for that title, I have no idea. Last I checked, I was also an infant specialist. I growed this baby up, didn't I?



But, this is where it begins. People passing judgement. Not getting invited to birthday parties. Not making the team. Getting a C on the report they put their heart into. And, God forbid, being made fun of. What will we do? We will want to step in, pick them up and protect them from anything that will hurt them. But we can't. This is all part of growing up, for them and us. One thing I will always promise Zach: I will help you find the path, but always let you walk down it.



I am eager to see what these classes bring for us. I know it will be a learning experience for myself, just as much as it will be for my 'baby'.



I love you Zach a boo.



"You are my baby, and I am your Mama"

All you need to know in life you'll learn from a 2 year old

"Ma"..."Maaa!"

I wake up to you calling my name. It is another day of knowing you. Another day of watching you explore the little things you find amazing. Who knew one could get so much joy out of watching a lizard, or trying to catch a single fly for 20 minutes. Or the excitement you get from putting your shoes on; just knowing we are going somewhere. Every day it seems you learn more and more. You really never cease to amaze me . Your little brain is like a sponge, learning daily as we go. You are so silly, already having such a good sense of humor. You seem to already know to make light of certain situations. You remind me to relax, slow down; it's all going to be ok!

I hear so many moms say how hectic and crazy their life has become since having children. And while I do agree with the hectic part, I'd have to say my life has become simplified. Since having Zach; I now see what is really important. I see what relationships are important, and what true friends are. I don't worry about my outfits like I used to, or who said what about who. I truly believe that life not only gets easier, but more meaningful after children. They have the ability to teach us so much about what really matters, or rather; what should matter in life. I find my conversations with other people are more meaningful and heartfelt. My relationships I chose to tend to are real. It has been so much easier to get rid of the bad, and keep the good. You wouldn't want the bad around your babes anyway. I know i am rambling now, but this has been running through my head for the last 6 mos now, and it's been a while since I have taken an English class. So please, bear with my run on sentences and poor paragraphing. (is that a word?)
Anyway, I don't feel guilty anymore for not returning phone calls asap, or missing a birthday bash. Especially when they missed my wedding...hmm. My handful of close friends, my wonderful husband and family is all that I need. Not that I could afford them now anyway, ( not sure that I ever could) but designer clothes are out the window, beautiful new high heels, please. But that's OK. I am a mama. I am a wife. I want nothing more than that. Finger painting and gardening is my life, and I am OK with that. The occasional night out with my hubby or close friends makes it nice also. There is just so much more to life that I just wasn't enjoying.

So, for as much as I will teach Zach throughout his life, he has already taught me something more valuable than most anything in this world.

I love you so much. So much.
"You are my baby and I am your Mama"

Abigail Ann Brandler

My dear friend Laurie had her baby girl on Friday. She is the most beautiful and perfect thing. Her labor was very intense, but soon after she had her epidural; baby seemed to literally just slip out. With all that Laurie has been through these past 9 mos, I think God owed it to her.

When I was with her last night I was able to hold A for the first time. It had been a while since I had held a new, new baby. Her hair and face felt like a handful of shaving cream, so soft. Her little painted on lips are just perfect. And her long fingers and toes...almost like a baby birds feet. She is beautiful. It' s amazing that after being a mother yourself; the feelings you have when you hold another.

Laurie is an amazing mother, and a great friend. She is patient, understanding, and unbelievably caring. Her 2 kids are so lucky to have her for them. She would do absolutely anything to protect them and cares for them beyond any ones capabilities I have seen. If more mothers could take a smidgen from her parenting; I don't think we would have half of the worlds problems we have today. I love her very much and feel so lucky that she is in my life; sometimes to remind me that I am the mother of a 2 year old...and RELAX. ( Her exact words, actually.)

A mother's decision...

I dabbled back and forth during my cosmo school days, career woman, SAHM, career woman, SAHM.... what would be right for me? Will I even have kids? Will I meet the right man?





Well, in the beginning you had to pull me out of the salon at the end of the night. I couldn't do enough hair cuts, work out the best blow dry, or weave enough circles around my co workers. I had found it! I had found my one true love. My niche. My circle. I found who I wanted to be, and who I would work my tail off to become. Nothing had been so rewarding as working out that perfect hairstlyle that had my clients in tears as I turned her around to see what prevailed. I had never felt like I 'fit' with people as I did the amazing men (man) and women I worked with in that beautiful place. This was it! This was really the first true love I had found. I can't explain the feeling, but it's the true feeling of accomplishment, happiness, contentment, and I must say, confidence, that I had ever felt. I knew who I was here. I had drems of becoming a famous hairstylist. You know, jose eber, jonathan antin, that was what I knew I wanted. I was going to put off having children until I had gotten there. Then I would slow down and I would be able to selectively choose my clients and work when I wanted to .



Well, it didn't exactly happen that way.



I met Bill, and we had Zach. Unexpectedly, I might add. VERY unexpectedly. And it all changed. Now, this time, I had really found it. I had truly found what was missing in my life. These guys filled any void I had ever felt. Nothing compares what mama-hood brings to your life. Not only what Zach himself is to me, but what comes with it. More family trips, visiting grandmas more often, and most importantly; an unbreakable bond. Not only with Zach, but with Bill. I mean, this man has been through it all with me, he held my hand for 12 hours of labor. Not really, really bad labor. But he was there. He was there with me when I experienced the very most happiest moment of my (our) lives. Who else could compare? This was something that not even my mom was there to experience with me, and if you know me; you know that is a first. It feels so good. Nothing has ever felt more comfortable, or more fitting. Wife, mama. Mama, wife. I love it. Wife/mama/hairstylist. Yeah, I like that.



So, while I still label myself a SAHM, I get to do the other thing that I love. Make people beautiful. Although, it seems a very vein industry, it's not. I have had all walks of life in my chair. Believe me. I have. You hear about what is going on in these people's lives sometimes sooner than their own spouses. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. You become their friend, and they look to you for advice. A lot of times more than what color will look best on them.



So, I really have the best of both worlds. I raise my own babe, cook dinner for my husband, and make the world beautiful. And who said you can't have it all?

In the Beginning...

I'm new to this blogging world. I enjoy reading a dear friends blogs, so I thought I would give it a try. She made a very good point about our babies being able to find it someday; God forbid anything were to ever happen to us.

I am also somewhat new to Mamahood, almost 2 years into it; some days feeling like it's my first. I will always remember those mostly-sleepless-nights wondering if this ever get easier. If I will ever be able to sleep through the night. If I will ever leave the house without spit-up on me. If I will ever sit down to a complete meal. Now, that those days are over, I wonder if I will ever be back there again. I miss the sleepless nights, the smell of spit-up, and even the untouched meals. I know my baby will never be that baby again. His first birthday was bitter sweet, and now as we are approaching his 2 nd, I long for just one more day of him being a baby. Just one more.

We get so caught up in life, in trying to keep up on the laundry, dusting, mopping, everything else that goes on in our day to day; that at times I think we lose sight of what is really important. Letting them water the plants, it may take longer but they will appreciate nature. Letting them climb out of the car themselves, they will find their Independence. Letting them put their own toys away, it will teach them responsibility. I find myself wanting to rush through these things...thinking there just isn't enough time. I will do it myself. Until I sit down and think about it, I don't realize just how much I am cheating him out of. These are the things that build character. No the fact that the dishes are done and the laundry is folded. We work hard so that I can be home with our son during the day, I really need to utilize that the best I can.

I hope some day Zach will really see and feel the love that I have for him. Zach, I love you very much.

"You are my baby, and I am your Mama."